Full of Surprises
by Glistening Sun
Summary: A #Shandy episode tag to 3x11. Andy being good with babies isn't the only surprise as the most recent case inspires more personal discussions between Sharon and Andy and they decide to embark on an adventure with uncertain outcome.
1. Full of Surprises

We are officially a couple now. The day Sharon's divorce became final, I took her out to dinner to a secluded restaurant in the mountains. It was quite a drive, but it was worth it just for the views. When she got out of the car, I offered her my arm and started walking towards the restaurant. Just before we got in, I stopped.

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you for a while, Sharon, and now I finally can."

My heart was beating a little faster because there would be no turning back after that question.

"Why finally? Oh, and of course you can ask me. You can ask me anything, Andy, you know that."

"Finally as in now that you're finally divorced," I turned to look at her and she encouraged me to go on with a small nod of her head and an expectant little smile.

"I'd very much like it if tonight could be a date."

The smile was spreading across her face and became wider and wider until she started giggling, hiding her face with her free hand.

"I'd like that very much. Gosh, Andy, I thought you would _never_ ask!"

"I couldn't date you while you were still married to Jack."

"That was your reason?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah." Because it had been. It just hadn't felt right and when I had finally worked up the nerve to ask her anyway, she told me she was planning to file for divorce so I had decided to wait.

"That's why you haven't … you know, you haven't even _tried_ to kiss me?"

I hadn't. I had wanted to, of course I had wanted to! We've been kissing on the cheek for a few months, but no, never anything more. When we are alone, we hold hands and sometimes we hold each other. Once she has fallen asleep in my arms after a particularly long and gruelling case and I watched her for most of the night marvelling at the beautiful woman in my arms.

"Yeah," I confirmed quietly.

"Oh." Sharon looked at me more closely. "You're full of surprises, Andy! I wouldn't have thought me still being married would be so important to you."

Then she moved right into my personal space, put both hands on the lapels of my jacket and raised herself up on her toes, "So, this is officially our first date. Can a girl get a kiss on her first date?"

She got a lot more than just one kiss that night.

/

"You seem different tonight, Sharon. Want to talk about it?" I asked Sharon after she had spent the evening gazing at me lovingly with a soft smile on her lips. It seemed like she was dreaming and her thoughts were far away. When she noticed I was watching her, she shook her head and the most adorable blush crept up her cheeks.

"Nothing to talk about, Andy."

"You're obviously thinking of something."

She laughed self-consciously and shook her head. "It's ridiculous. I don't even know why…" she broke off mid-sentence and took another sip of her wine.

"What is ridiculous?"

"Well," Sharon took a deep breath and put the wineglass back on the table. "I'm still thinking about our last case, how hard some people try to have a family and how lucky I am to have my three children."

"They are lucky to have you as their mum." Rusty in particular. Where would he be today without Sharon?

"What else were you thinking about? Because that's certainly not ridiculous, Louie and I talked about it just last night. The lengths some people are willing to go to just to have a child."

"Well, we already are parents, Andy. With Emily, I got pregnant without even intending to, so it's not a question I've ever had to ask myself."

"Yeah, can't judge someone if you've never been in their shoes. But go on, Sharon, what else were you thinking about?"

"You were so good with the little boy."

I smiled when I remembered that afternoon. I had enjoyed the time with the little one and just for the record, I _am _good with babies. It's the only time in my children's lives that I was there for them. I was such a proud father and I carried both Nicole and Jonathan around as much as Joanne would let me.

"I loved seeing you with him, Andy. I like that side of you."

Her face had taken on an almost wistful expression and before continuing, she took yet another deep breath. "Andy, I know this is going to sound really strange and out of the blue. Are you sure you want to know what I'm thinking?"

"Of course I do."

"It's not exactly a well-thought out idea and it's entirely unrealistic, it's more of a feeling and I don't want you to … I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Try me, Sharon. Share your idea and maybe we can talk about it, consider it together?"

"The thing is, it concerns you as well, Andy. "

"Then who better to share it with than me."

"I just…I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

A sudden pang of insecurity shot through me. "Are you reconsidering our relationship?"

"What? Oh no, not at all, Andy. Not at all. I am right where I want to be with you, Andy. No, this is … oh well."

"Then go ahead. I'm here to listen."

Sharon ran her hands through her hair and laughed, moving a little closer to me and resting her head against my shoulder.

"I know our relationship is still so new and we are not exactly young anymore, but if I was ten years younger, well even five years, I would really like to have a child with you. I would really like to have a family with you, Andy. "

"Yeah?" Not exactly an eloquent answer, but enough to encourage her to go on.

"I saw you with that baby and for a second I had this thought that it could be our child and I tried to push it away but once it was there – it's just been going around in my head. I know it's completely unrealistic and it's probably the very last thing on your mind and it's ridiculous and … I'm sorry, Andy. I shouldn't have said anything."

I know I should have stopped her sooner but rambling Sharon was such a rare occasion and I was quite mesmerised by the sight. That, and I was still wrapping my mind around what I had just heard and was trying to understand the heady excitement and pure happiness I suddenly felt. Sharon was talking about having a child together!

"Is it?" I asked and the moment the words were out I knew I should have been more clear.

Sharon was irritated. "Is it what?"

"Is it completely unrealistic for us to have a child together?" I explained.

"Andy? You're not telling me … are you serious?" Her irritation had turned into surprise.

"Tell me. If we wanted to, could we have a child together?" Suddenly, I had to know.

"Well, I haven't gone through menopause yet. So I guess with a lot of luck we might be able to conceive."

"Let's try then."

"But it's crazy. We're old enough to be grandparents."

"And yet young enough to be parents. "

Sharon laughed.

"Andy, what are you doing? I was expecting you to tell me to look forward to our grandchildren and enjoy the time with Rusty. Are you seriously considering this? It would take a minor miracle for me to even get pregnant at my age."

"I like miracles."

She laughed again and shook her head, but I could tell from the sparkle in her eyes just how excited she was. It was so cute to see, her whole face lit up and she started fiddling with her hands so I took them both in mine and leaned in to kiss her.

"You _do_ realise how crazy that idea is?" she whispered between two kisses and I let go of her hands and pulled her fully into my lap.

"I like crazy."

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><p>Author's note: I did <em>not<em> set out to write another babyfic, but my muse is obviously still caught up in babyfic territory. I hope you enjoyed this anyway! Let me know what you think - I'd love to hear from you :-)


	2. Giving our Little Miracle a Chance

Author's note: I'm absolutely blown away! Thank you all so much for your reviews, favs and follows and your wonderful support for this little story.

I really loved that scene with the baby (wasn't he just the cutest?) and the exchange between Sharon and Andy - and I felt they had so much to say to each other still.

This was originally meant to be a one shot only, but Sharon wanted to tell her side of the story and we'll see about Andy after that :-)

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><p>When Andy held the little baby boy and told me he was full of surprises quoting my own words from the night we got together back at me, my heart almost stopped. I wish we hadn't been in Taylor's office surrounded by Provenza and Amy, but alone so I could have wrapped my arms around him and kissed him and told him just how much seeing him with the baby affected me. The way he held the little one and caressed his face, oh my heart! It just made me fall in love with him all over again and then that yearning feeling in my heart started a thought in my mind that took on a life all of it's own.<p>

Andy's reaction when I told him had surprised me. He really _is_ full of surprises, each new one more wonderful than the last. I had expected him to smile at me and maybe indulge me for a little while. What I hadn't expected him to do was to pick up the idea and immediately run with it.

I can't seem to be able to get it out of my head and I lie in Andy's arms at night imagining what it would be like to be pregnant again and to carry his child wondering if for once in my life I should ignore the voice of reason and go with my heart. I'm deliberately pushing away all considerations of possible obstacles of which there are so many. The fact that we are working together and our age are merely the tip of the iceberg, there is my brandnew son Rusty and our four older children and Andy's grandsons.

For the past couple of weeks we haven't talked about having a baby again, but seemingly Andy had been doing some thinking of his own because earlier tonight he brought it up again. We had just made love and I was still basking in the afterglow, comfortably snuggled against his chest, drowsy with happiness. I can't believe just how much I enjoy being with Andy. I'm not sure I've ever felt so … fulfilled and satisfied, so at ease.

It wasn't like that from the beginning. Initially, being intimate was awkward for me. I was so insecure and nervous and incredibly tense. I felt out of practice, but Andy… Oh Andy, he was so sweet with me, so patient and understanding. Still, I think if we hadn't already been such good friends, I might have just given up and retreated back behind my Captain's mask. I wish it had been one of these fairytale stories, but it really wasn't for the first few times. Poor Andy, I felt awful for what I was putting him through.

But his soft lips and tender caresses all over my body patiently peeled away one layer of insecurity after the other until I lay bare before him, ready to be loved and to love. I have no words for what happened after that except that it was just plain amazing! Andy just makes me feel _so, so_ good!

Our love is something I had not expected to ever again have in my life. Andy is my partner, my friend and my lover all at the same time. I didn't think I'd ever again be falling asleep in the arms of the man I love. Because I do love Andy, I realised, I've been loving him for quite a while now.

"Sweetheart, are you still awake?" Andy's voice interrupted my musings. I nodded and moved my head so I could look into his face.

"I keep wondering whether we should talk about having a baby together – I just can't seem to get the thought of my mind. I'm not even sure how serious you were when you suggested it, Sharon, but the more I think about it…"

"You've really been thinking about that?"

"Believe me, I have: every night, every morning and probably quite often during the day, too."

"Me too, Andy, so much!" I confessed and I was so glad that it hadn't just been me. "To answer your earlier question, I'm not sure whether I was serious, it was more of an idea at the time, but… yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot as well and I mean really, seriously thinking about it."

"I would love to have a baby with you, Sharon. Just looking at you and knowing how we feel about each other makes my heart beat faster. I love you and I want us to have a family, I want you to carry my child."

There was no hesitation in his look, nothing hidden. Andy wants to have a baby with me! He really does!

"You do?" I asked because I needed to hear it again.

"I do. I'm not saying we should try and have a child at all costs. I'm not talking about fertility treatments or surrogacy. You said it would take a miracle for you to get pregnant and I've been thinking about giving that miracle the chance to happen. Maybe, rather than making sure you don't get pregnant like we do right now, we should give our miracle a chance."

"No contraception and just see what happens?"

Andy gave me one of his little shrugs. "Yeah. I mean, if we are meant to have a child together, give that a chance to happen. You are right, we are older than we should ideally be and there are no guarantees. We might very well not get pregnant, but then again we might. Let's tempt fate, Sharon."

"Yes, let's tempt fate. My, Andy, when did you become so philosophical?" He said 'we'! He said 'we' might get pregnant. It's such a little word, but it meant the world to me to see how invested Andy was.

"Since you cast your spell on me, sweetheart. Maybe we will have our little miracle, maybe not. But we will always have each other and our love. Nothing will change that. And in the meantime we just save lots of money on condoms!"

"Gosh, Andy!" I started laughing. "You are such a practical guy. What are we going to do with all the money we save? Start a college fund for the little one?"

"Nah, I was thinking about investing in lingerie for you." Andy winked at me.

That man! He certainly has a way with me. Here I was, lying in his arms stark naked, my body still tingling from earlier and he made me blush like a schoolgirl. I don't know what he has done to me, but whatever it is, I do like it!

"You are adorable, Sharon. You are such a wonderfully intense, vocal lover and yet you blush when I talk about lingerie?"

Did he really just call me a vocal lover? Now I was really going to be embarrassed. I mean, Rusty was sleeping in the next room and the neighbours, the old lady from upstairs with her new hearing aid…

"Am I really that loud?" I asked suddenly feeling unsure and vulnerable.

"No, sweetheart, you're not loud as in noisy."

I sighed in relief.

"But all the little sounds you make just drive me crazy. Your hums and moans and when you say my name and let me know what you like."

Andy! What a confession. Here I was, sated and spent after an evening of making love and I already wanted him again. Hormones are a funny thing. Maybe if I could still feel like this it might not be too late for a baby, I reasoned and gave Andy a lingering kiss feeling the excitement slowly flood my body.

"I think I'd like to give our personal little miracle a chance," I said at last.

"No more condoms and lots of new lingerie for you."

"You might want to look at what I have first."

Andy pulled back from our kiss and looked at me like a little child on Christmas morning, cute beyond words.

I do actually have quite an impressive collection, particularly for a woman who has been celibate for as long as I have. Gavin has been known to give me lingerie because he loves it and he'll never have a woman to buy it for anyway, he says. I almost always wear something sexy underneath the professional exterior. It's been my little secret to make me feel good about myself for years now.

"I'd like to go for a check-up with my OB/GYN beforehand though, just to see what she says." Way to go and kill a perfectly romantic mood, Sharon.

But Andy caught right on: "That's a good idea. I'll go for a check up, too. You know, sweetheart, there is no pressure, we don't need to start right away."

Well, yeah, but it wasn't exactly a time for waiting either. "No, but I want to!"

How would I ever be able to sleep tonight? Within the space of a month I had gotten divorced and adopted Rusty, Andy and I had moved from friends to lovers and now we were planning on becoming parents. But I hadn't counted on Andy who started kissing me and moved is warm body over mine with that look that made me giddy with anticipation.


	3. We Need a Miracle

I like that at work nothing has really changed. We work together as well as we used to, maybe even better because there's none of that daydreaming and wondering what it would feel like to kiss Sharon and touch her and what she might taste like. Our 'change in relationship status' certainly hasn't had any negative impact on the team. 'Change in relationship status', that's what Sharon said when she asked me whether I would be okay with not reporting us to Taylor right away. Like I would care about the rules!I mean, I'll go along with whatever she wants to do, but I am perfectly happy to keep 'us' to ourselves.

We are only just figuring out how to be couple and with our crazy little plan for a baby, we really don't need any extra attention from the Chief, or from my partner for that matter.

We don't want tell anyone just yet, we want to keep this all a secret because we don't want people interfering or offering unwanted advice. We don't want to be judged for our wish to have a baby at our age. It's every bit as intimate and personal as what we get up to in the bedroom when the doors are closed. Sharon is so intensely private anyway and I, too, feel that this is too tender, too intimate for anyone else to know about or to be in any way involved in.

Deep down we both know we will more than likely be bitterly disappointed, that there will be those mornings when we will wake up to the knowledge that Sharon isn't pregnant and that time is slipping away from us. That we will have passed yet another month without any sign of a child and that with each passing month our chances are becoming even less. We've talked about that and we have decided that the possible joy of having a baby outweighs the potential hurt and disappointment. Still, to an extent it is a gamble with the happiness we have only just found with each other. It's a lot of potential strain to put on a relationship still so new.

We both know exactly just how low our chances are to conceive a child. While we had both received a clean bill of health from our GP, the news Sharon's OB/GYN had for us was sobering. Naomi had been polite when she told us, but she wasn't one to gloss over the facts so there hadn't been much room for interpretation in her words. Sharon could _theoretically_ get pregnant just like I could _theoretically_ father a child.

"From a medical and statistical standpoint, it's impossible for you to conceive a child together."

In short, we need a miracle.

When we came home that night we both cried in each other's arms. We cried bitter tears for what we had lost. We cried for the years we had wasted, Sharon caught in a loveless marriage, me at the bottom of the bottle. When our tears finally dried, Sharon kissed me tenderly and we made love. Slowly and tenderly, far more intimate than ever before, the excitement and happiness in her features mirroring my own. We fell asleep holding each other tightly, unwilling to part even an inch and when I woke up the next morning, Sharon was still moulded against my body.

We are so comfortable with each other now that it's difficult to recall that we initially had such a hard time to physically come together. It's hard to imagine now because Sharon is such an incredibly sensitive woman. She responds to the softest of touches and she is so amazingly vocal. God, just hearing her moans and hums and whispered words…she doesn't need to say anything, I know when she enjoys something and when she doesn't.

I suppose the physical side of our relationship, making love, that's something that didn't adjust so easily to the sudden change in our status. Knowing and understanding that our dinner was an actual date, that was easy for both of us. After all, we had both been looking forward to that moment individually for a great many months. Kissing and holding hands and gazing at each other longingly over the table, her hand on my thigh as we drove back into the city, her warm lips on mine whether we stopped at a traffic light, that all was easy, it came so naturally.

The insecurities began when she asked me up to her condo. We were still sitting in the car, engine off, in the visitor's parking of her building's garage. The motion-activated lights had gone out and it was hard to see her fully.

"I have to admit that I don't know how to do this anymore, Andy. I would really like for you to come upstairs with me, but I am not sure if I am ready for more."

"We'll take it one step at a time. I don't even need to come up today."

"I want you to, Andy. I want to be with you tonight. I'm just…Andy, I haven't been with anyone in so many years and before that it's only really been Jack and I'm … I don't know whether I'll still remember," she giggled nervously hiding her face in her hands and then she drew a deep breath. "Andy, I'm scared."

I slid an arm around her and pulled her a little closer, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"Don't be scared, Sharon. I promise you, I won't hurt you and I won't push you. There's no need to rush, sweetheart. We'll go as far as you feel comfortable. Just let me hold you tonight."

Her voice was muffled by her hands. "I'm not sure I want you to _just_ hold me, Andy. I want more."

"Then let's go upstairs and have a cup of tea and see where the night goes."

"Tea?"

"I figured that's what you do for comfort."

Her laughter was genuine and happy then. We actually went up to the condo like we had done countless times in the past. Sharon put a finger to her lips when she opened the door, but everything was quiet. Rusty was already asleep, he'd texted Sharon earlier that he was home and she had responded by telling him not to wait up for her. I was glad he had taken her advice.

We took a few steps inside and she looked up at me, biting her lip. It seemed like she was wondering about her next move, but then she smiled a beautiful smile that made the skin around her eyes crinkle and she took my hand leading me into her bedroom. Once inside, the door safely closed behind us and only the soft light from the lamp on her chest of drawers illuminating the room, her insecurities came to the fore at full strength.

In hindsight, what shocked me most was that Sharon expected that making love would be physically painful for her. She told me she would be fine once the initial pain was over and I…I just pulled her into my arms and held her, trying to find the rights words to say. Her admission shook me to the core. I don't think I've ever been so sad and hurt on behalf of another person. Anger at Jack and the callous way he had treated her rose in me like bile, bitter and acidic.

"Sharon, it won't hurt. I promise you."

The words had come out so stunted, not even in full sentences. I had wanted to say more, I had wanted to reassure her completely and promise her that I would never ever hurt her or force her to do anything she didn't want. She hadn't believed me at the time, but all that counts is that _now_ she believes me, that _now_ she knows.

_Now_, when the phone rings in the middle of the night to call me out to a case we are usually cuddled up in each other's arms, bare skin against bare skin. I don't even get up anymore before I answer the phone, because the sound wakes her anyway and I love the contrast between hearing my partner's grumpy voice and Sharon in my arms, warm and still half asleep. When I tell him I'll make sure to inform the Captain, she presses a hand against her mouth to stop the giggles. I'm sure I'd never hear the end of it if he recognised her voice with me at 4 am in the morning, although I'm tempted to try just to see his face.

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><p>Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the great reviews and for encouraging me to continue with the once-upon-a-time one-shot. I love the ideas you brought up and you might well find your comments incorporated into the story at some point. Please let me know how you like this chapter :-) I'm definitely going to add a few more if you're interested.<p> 


	4. The Secret I Keep

I lied to Rusty. I didn't tell him the truth. I kept a secret from him. I'm not sure where the difference is, because it all comes down to the same thing. It goes against everything I have promised him and it goes against everything I stand for, but I kept my secret and I would do it again. Even if it did break my heart. I didn't tell him because because I was scared myself and because I wanted to protect him.

Rusty had been strangely withdrawn and distant, somewhat sullen and angry, reminiscent of when he first came to live with me. I asked him how he was doing and he just replied fine, shrugging his shoulders, every movement of his body telling me not to come close, not to touch him. We had become so much better at giving and receiving physical affection, a hug, a squeeze of the shoulder, my hand briefly cupping his cheek. Not he was withdrawing from me. I gave him space and a few days to sort out what was burdening him, but it only became worse. He withdrew more and more, regarding me carefully as though he was expecting something terrible to happen. It all seemed to be particularly pronounced when Andy was around and Andy had started spending a lot of time at my place.

I didn't think that it was Andy's presence because Rusty had been so accepting of our relationship. I had actually been really surprised. After our first date at the mountain restaurant I had asked Andy to come up when he dropped me at my place. We had spent the night in each other's arms, nothing else had happened. I had been too nervous and too scared and so Andy had wrapped me in his arms and I had fallen asleep to the sound of his heartbeat, surrounded by his warmth and his distinctly spicy smell.

Rusty had walked in on us having breakfast the next morning and he had looked at us with a knowing smile.

"Will you finally admit that you have been dating like forever? I mean, you're divorced now so there's no more reason to pretend you're just friends."

I sputtered into my coffee and started coughing. That was unexpected! Andy gently slapped my back until the coughing stopped.

"We haven't been dating, Rusty," he then said in a measured tone.

"You old people are strange. You're taking her out to dinner like all the time and you're bringing her home all smiling and happy and she's so excited when she's waiting for you to pick her up." I blushed a little and smiled at Andy. Rusty was right, that was exactly how it had been for the past year and even before that.

I liked that Rusty had noticed that. I know some say he is self-absorbed, but he isn't really. He does observe everyone around him so carefully, but normally he won't ask anyone outright or talk about what he sees. I think it's a survival mechanism he learned with his mother and her boyfriends. Stay quiet so he won't get noticed.

But right then my boy didn't care about being noticed when he pointed his finger at Andy

"You're obviously spending the night. Not dating my ass!"

"Rusty! Language!"

"What? It's true though. I mean, everybody knows you're dating. The entire team has bets running on you – even Sykes!"

"They what? They are betting on…" but before I could say anymore Andy had started laughing.

"Who's winning, Rusty?"

"So you're really not dating? I mean, seriously, it's like sooo obvious you two have the hots for each other."

"Rusty! That is enough!"

"Sharon!" he mimicked my tone of voice, but then looked back and forth between Andy and me for a while. His voice was his own when he spoke again.

"Are you two sure you are not dating? Because like, I would be totally cool with that and you don't have to pretend for my sake that you're not and I would be totally cool with keeping your secret, too."

Andy looked at me silently giving permission to tell Rusty the truth and I nodded. I had promised Rusty a four weeks notice and I had promised him to always give him all the facts.

"I appreciate that you can keep a secret, Rusty. Yes, Andy and I are dating, but it is a lot more recent that you think. In fact, we only started last night."

"Oh, seriously? So you're like – oh, that's so cute! But what have you been doing before that? Cause that looked a lot like dating to me, too."

"Sharon was still married to Jack until yesterday," Andy interjected.

"You waited?" Incomprehension spread over Rusty's face. "You seriously waited? You're a strange dude, Lieutenant."

"Call me strange, Rusty…"

I put a hand on Andy's arm to stop him. I didn't want the discussion to head there. I wanted to know how Rusty felt. This had not at all been how I had planned on telling him.

"How do you feel about that, Rusty?" I gently inquired.

"You two dating? Whatever you say, it's not exactly news to me."

"I know. I promised you four weeks notice should anything change around here."

"It's not like Lt. Flynn is going to move into my room."

"Andy isn't going to move in, Rusty. He will spend more time here and I will spend time at his house, but you will always have a home with me. Always."

Rusty smiled and nodded. "We're family now."

"We are."

"Oh, and about you two dating? You did give me plenty of notice, Sharon. I mean, you two have been doing your non-dates things at least since Nicole's wedding."

"Dinners between friends."

"Yeah, whatever. So, any bacon left?"

With that, the discussion had been over and Rusty had seemed happy enough. He got some mileage out of teasing us and calling Andy the most patient man on the planet and after Andy put on some advanced interrogation skills, he gave up who had been in on the bet. It turned out that Mike had won the pot because he had thought _I_ would wait until I was divorced. Close enough. Still a bit disconcerting to see they had all noticed. Andy told me the betting was a good sign and that that's what "the real police" did. We never did at FID – or at least I never noticed and I am _sure _I would have!

It hurt me to now see Rusty so sullen, distancing himself more and more. I asked Andy if he would mind not coming over for a few days so I could have some time with my new son and find out what was weighing so heavily on his mind. Rusty seemed to be better with me only, less distanced, but still unhappy and sad. He looked dejected and I didn't understand why.

"Did something happen on the set, Rusty?"

"No, lots of work but also lots of fun. I'm just tired, can I go to bed."

I patted the cushion next to me on the couch. "Get yourself a soda and join me for a minute, Rusty. Maybe we can watch a movie together or make some popcorn."

"I'm not really hungry."

"Then just sit with me for a while and let me know how your day went."

I think he knew me well enough to know he wasn't getting out of a conversation with me, so he got himself a can of soda and a coaster and brought both over to the couch. I set down my tea and turned to look at him.

"I can tell that something is bothering you, Rusty, and I want you to know that I am here to listen if you like to talk. You said work is fine. Have you been to see your mother again?"

"No, not since before the adoption."

"Rusty, I can see that something is weighing heavily on your mind. Maybe it would help to share that with me?"

"I'm fine, Sharon," he stressed my name in that particular way that told me the discussion was finished. But I wasn't ready to give up yet.

"Honey, I'm a police officer, I read people for a living and you are my son. I can tell that you are sad."

"What?" he suddenly snapped at me, but unlike the old Rusty he didn't run away but stayed next to me on the sofa. "You've told me all these lovely things and you've adopted me and made me part of your family and now that I am, you are just sending me away."

"Is this still about my idea that you should stay on campus? Honey, I thought we had agreed that you could stay here with me, that you would stay here."

"Sharon, please. This is not about moving to campus. I'm all grown up now and you're replacing me!"

"Why would you think that, Rusty? I have no plans of "replacing" you. I am so grateful that you are part of my family now. Every day I'm grateful for that. You're my son."

"Yes, but when the baby gets here, I'll need to leave and then the baby is your new family."

How did he know? Had he overheard Andy and me talking and jumped to the wrong conclusions? A cold fist closed around my heart and my insides tensed painfully.

"What baby, Rusty?" I asked carefully. "I can assure you, there is no baby."

"Come on!" His voiced sounded pained. "I heard you two talk about a baby. You're pregnant, Sharon, and you're replacing me. Just tell me that you want me to move out!"

I put my hand on his arm and was so grateful when he only shrugged a little, but didn't pull away.

"Rusty, I am not pregnant and I have no plans to replace you. Nobody, no other child, no partner, can ever take the place you have in my heart and in my life. I don't love Emily and Ricky any less just because I love you too now, Rusty. Andy and me dating doesn't mean that I love you any less or that I don't want you here. You are my son. You will always have a place in my heart and in my home. I will always know you and I will always love you."

"But I heard you talk about the baby."

That was the moment when I made the decision not tell Rusty the full truth. I couldn't talk to him about our plans to have a child together. We had barely even wrapped out heads around the idea ourselves and we wanted to keep it a secret. It was too personal, too intimate. For now, we didn't even know if it would ever work.

"We talked about _a_ baby, Rusty, that's true. We talked about the baby boy from the surrogacy case a few weeks back, do you remember? I told you the little one came to stay at the station for a few hours and we requisitioned Chief Taylor's office."

Rusty smiled at the memory because Andy had told him the story of how much Taylor had complained about his office having been turned into a nursery.

"So you are not pregnant?"

I was grateful he didn't ask me whether we were planning to have a baby, because I wouldn't have been able to deny that.

"No, Rusty, I am not pregnant." I said with emphasis.

He sighed and his entire posture changed. I could literally see how the worries fell off.

"So I can stay?"

"Yes, Rusty, you can stay. You can stay with me as long as you like."

That promise I would keep because if it really worked out with another baby, we would have to move to a bigger house anyway and there would be room for Rusty. I didn't want to think about the disappointment in his face when I would tell him and he would realise that I hadn't been completely honest with him today.

I'm not sure I had another option. Telling Rusty the truth today would have simply broken me. All through our conversation I had been acutely aware of the dull pain and intermittent cramps in my lower abdomen that showed me so clearly that I was indeed not pregnant. I wouldn't have been able to hold back the tears and once I had started, I wouldn't have been able to stop. His mother crying helplessly is not something any child should witness, much less Rusty. This type of grief has its place in my relationship with Andy, but not with my son.

Andy came over the same night and the three of us had dinner together. I could tell that Rusty was reassured of his place in my heart and in my family. The evening flowed easily, full of happy banter between my two boys. My heart felt so light, I even forgot about my cramps for a while.

When one of my favourite songs started playing, Andy pulled me to my feet, but not without asking Rusty first.

"Can I borrow Sharon for a moment?"

He received laughter in response. "As long as I don't have to dance with Sharon next…"

While I was swaying in Andy's arms, my head nestled against the crook of his neck, I noticed Rusty watching us intently. Something in his expression told me that he knew I hadn't told him the full truth. I sighed and Andy's arms tightened around me in response.

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><p>Author's note: Again, thank you all so much for your reviews! This chapter is my first time writing "mothership" (although I don't know whether it even qualifies as that). Living with Sharon, I believe Rusty would notice something was going on - but he will probably tell us himself in the next chapter.<p> 


	5. To Wake up next to You

After we had spent a few days apart while I was trying to get the bottom of why Rusty had become so withdrawn, we were both content to finally be together again. Andy was already waiting for me in bed when I finished my evening routine by rubbing lotion on my hands.

"You look like you're still in pain," he said when I lay down beside him unable to completely suppress a groan.

"Cramps. It's better than it was earlier though."

"Are your periods always this painful?"

It warmed my heart that he would notice and that he cared enough to ask. I shuffled close to him, aligning my body with his and sighed.

"No, not always, but in combination with the emotional stress it's worse. Could I ask you a favour? You have such wonderfully warm hands and warmth really helps. Could you put your hand on my abdomen?"

"Sharon, touching you is _never _a favour, it's a pleasure."

Actually, Andy touching me is always a pleasure, even when I'm in pain. I felt the events of the past few days slowly ebb away as he cradled me safely in his arms, his hand warm and heavy on my belly. He smelled so good and being here, surrounded by this scent and his warmth, I almost didn't care about the pain anymore.

"Emotional stress, uh? Rusty? Not being pregnant?"

I knew Andy wouldn't let that go and I was so grateful that he made sure I didn't skirt the issue.

"I wasn't expecting to be pregnant, not with the rational part of my brain anyway, but I'm still a bit disappointed. I wish you'd been here this morning and could have held me like you do now."

"I'm sorry, honey."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. I asked you to give me some time with Rusty, I wasn't factoring in my cycle. We should be together for that time next month."

Andy buried his face in my hair and sighed while his hand moved in small soothing circles over my abdomen. "We will be and for as many of the nights in between as we can."

That was part of the emotional stress, but still only scratching the surface. There were so many points to consider. I _had_ lied to Rusty. I had broken my promise to him. Had I changed? Had the blind desire for a child changed me and made me callous? Andy and I hadn't considered the consequences for those around us. We had only thought about what we would want to have. That sort of attitude, that wasn't me. At least I didn't think so. But then it was. Somehow, it was. Maybe now in my fifities, well my _early_ fifties, I would finally allow myself to pursue my dreams? I do want to be with Andy and I do want to have a child with him.

"Are we being selfish by trying to have a baby at our age? I don't know when Rusty overheard us, but he must have and I am not sure he fully believed me. Rusty needed some reassurance that his place in my life and in my family is secure, that my relationship with you doesn't change how much I love him. That was the easy part."

"What was the difficult part?"

"Andy, Rusty asked me outright if I was pregnant. I could easily say no, especially today, but what if he had asked if we were trying to have a baby? I don't want to tell him."

"You don't have to tell him, Sharon. We don't have to tell anyone. It's okay for us to keep a secret. What is important is that we agree on what we want. I for one think it's no one's business but ours."

Andy looked at me for a moment and when I nodded, he continued.

"Once we are pregnant, there is still plenty of time to tell all the big brothers and sisters."

"They might not be happy."

"Yes, they might not be. But they're all adults. Even Rusty is starting to stretch his wings. He might not be ready to leave you right now, but give it a few years and he'll fly from the nest. I know that you have put your children's happiness before your own for many years and I admire that about you. But right now it's okay to start planning your own life and see what _you _want to do. It's not selfish, sweetheart. You deserve to be happy."

"I am happy."

Andy leaned in to kiss me softly, "For the record, so am I."

We are. This friendship turned to love is pretty amazing. Happy is really too common a word to describe just how we feel. We are deeply content to be with each other and every touch, every look, every kiss is so exciting. The most exiting part is just how mutual it is. We love each other deeply and without holding back. I love that our relationship is built on the deep trust and understanding of our friendship. We know about each other's strengths and hopes and secret fears. As friends, we shared some of the darker moments of our life and now, as lovers, we don't need to hide them anymore. We accept each other's flaws and imperfections as part of the person we love.

That doesn't mean that it was easy to move from friends to lovers, because on some levels it simply wasn't. As much as I hate to say it, but while really, _really_ truly amazing now, the physical aspect of our relationship is also the most tender and fragile. I can't help but think that trying to get pregnant is going to put a strain on that particular part of our relationship and a part of me is so scared of either outcome. We could find confirmation of what Naomi has already told us, that we are no longer able to conceive a child with each other and we would need to live with that. Or our miracle could happen. What would being pregnant mean for our intimacy? What about childbirth and the aftermath? While I feel so comfortable in Andy's presence right now, a part of me is utterly scared of what could happen. Because I have seen it happen, I've lived it with Jack and it was both painful and humiliating.

„Sweetheart, I can almost hear the wheels in your beautiful head turning. This isn't only about Rusty and keeping a secret from him, am I right?"

„You are. How did you get to know me so well?" Sometimes it really seemed as though he was able to read my mind.

„It's that thing you do with your lip when you're deep in thought. What's on your mind, sweetheart?"

"Intimacy," I said quietly, "I just wish we didn't need to talk so much, I wish we could just fall into bed and it would all sort itself out."

"I think the talking is our strong point, sweetheart. I am not going to lie to you. I have been with many women and I have had my fair share of one nights stands in the past."

"The past?"

"I haven't been with anyone since before I got stabbed."

"But that was years ago."

"I've had the biggest crush on your after you came to visit me in hospital – you know, that night after everyone had left. You just sat there with me and waited until I feel asleep."

"I had no idea it went so far back."

Andy nodded, but that clearly wasn't what he wanted to say.

"Listen, Sharon. Sometimes you find someone and the physical connection is right there and it's easy and fun and you fall into bed together. Then you wake up in the morning to an empty bed with nothing but a stale taste in your mouth and an ache in your heart. I don't care for that. I want what we have. We know each other so well, we were close friends and confidantes and that was already so beautiful and then to fall in love with you and to find out that you love me back. That's what I care about. You, us. I want to be with you."

He stopped and kissed me so tenderly, I felt like I was going to float away.

"We've had moments that were difficult and maybe even awkward, but in the morning, we have always woken up in each other's arms. Every single time. That's what counts, Sharon, that's what I want. I want to spend the rest of my life falling and asleep and waking up with you in my arms. We have time to figure things out. Just remember how long we took to see behind our work personalities. It took us years to figure that out and we've spent the past three years becoming friends. We took time with each other. Taking time has brought us where we are today and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. If you are willing to go along, my love, I want us to be just as curious and patient and gentle when getting to know each other more as lovers. Look how far we've come already in the few short weeks since your divorce!"

That was quite possible the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. I couldn't even string together a sentence so I just looked at Andy, getting lost in his eyes. But then there was one thought at the back of my mind that just wouldn't rest.

"I'm scared of what a pregnancy and all the changes would do to our physical relationship."

He ran his fingertips over my cheek and then tangled his hand in my hair.

"Can…can I ask you what happened when you had your children?"

I asked so I supposed I should also tell him why that was bothing me so much. "Short version okay?"

"Anything you feel comfortable sharing. God, Sharon, I know he hurt you."

"Let's just say he ran when he found out, lost all interest in me the moment I started showing and said a lot of hurtful things about my appearance after the children were born. I don't really want to talk about it anymore."

"You don't have to, my love. I promised you I would never hurt you and that promise still stands. Sweetheart, I promise you, I won't hurt you and I won't force you – not ever."

Before responding, my eyes found his again and I smiled. "I know you won't, Andy, and you haven't."

"Ever since our first conversation I have these recurring dreams. I didn't want to tell you before, because they're all about you being pregnant. I dream about holding you and feeling the movements of our baby under my hand, I dream about you with a beautiful round belly, I dream about you with a newborn.

I smiled at the mental images Andy was conjuring up, that was just what I had been looking forward to. But Andy's wasn't quite finished yet.

I can't tell you what making love will be like, but what I can promise you is that we _will _figure it out. We'll keep exploring and experimenting and we'll take our time, just like we always have. You know what the main change is going to be? I should probably give you an advance warning on that. I am going to become very protective of you, Sharon, and I mean _very_ protective. To an extent that we'll probably fight, because I will interfere with your need to be independent. I won't spend a single night separated from you, probably not even when you tell me to leave. I won't let you take a shower by yourself because I won't want you to slip."

"That seems in character!" I exclaimed, laughing now. "You realise I will insist on you holding me at night?"

"Good."

"Even if I have to get up every few hours to go to the bathroom and I'll toss and turn all night?"

"Absolutely."

"So, I'll just need to get pregnant now."

"We, Sharon, _we_. Come on, I'm not exactly prime material for fathering a child anymore."

"You are 'prime material' for me, Andy Flynn, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

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><p>Author's Note: Sharon still had more to say, but Rusty and Andy are coming up next.<p>

I'm glad you appreciate this particular twist on the idea of parenthood at an advanced age.

Looking forward to hearing what you think of this chapter :-)


	6. You Should get some Grandkids!

Author's Note: Here is another chapter for you before this story becomes well and truly AU after Monday's episode! I am so curious to see what will happen!

This is the promised chapter from Rusty's point of view. I've never written him before and I'd be really curious to hear what you think. Your reviews here and in other places have been so wonderfully encouraging - thank you all so much!

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><p>Sharon and the Lieutenant - though I should really call him Andy. Ever since they started dating he's been telling me to do that. Sharon and Andy are like really serious now. He is always here and I mean always. I think he even has a space in her closet with a few suits and she has made room for his shoes in the hallway closet. Sharon is so happy. Like the time we went to New York and met with Rick and Em and then all four of us went out for a cruise and she was smiling the entire time. Andy makes her smile like that whenever he is here. I like her happy.<p>

Okay, so the thing is that I actually did hear them talk about wanting to have a baby. I think Sharon was honest when she told me she wasn't pregnant now because she looked kinda sad when she said that. I could tell from her eyes and the way she fiddled with her hands. I didn't want to make her cry, so I didn't ask anymore.

I just find it so strange, I mean they're like seriously old and I didn't think people still had babies when they were that old. The Lieutenant has two grandsons. I should call him Andy though. If he's dating my new mum, I should be calling him by his first name.

I know Sharon doesn't want me to leave and that there's always space for me, but it's not like Rick and Em could still stay in their room once Sharon took me in. So when they have a baby, where am I going to go? I guess the answer to that is obvious.

But about how I know that they want to have a baby. It's not that I intentionally snuck up on them to listen, I swear, it was really more of an accident.

The whole thing started off really sweet. They were sitting on the sofa when I came home. It was pretty late and I tried to be quiet and at first I thought that they had fallen asleep. It was a bit of strange feeling to see them like that, in each other's arms. They were both fully dressed, but it looked, uh, intimate. But not in a way that it made me feel embarrassed. Just sweet, really.

The Lieutenant – ehm, Andy put his hand on Sharon's stomach and whispered something into her ear that made Sharon laugh in that happy way I've only ever heard at home, never in the office. Then he kissed her. Not like my other mum and her boyfriends. He kissed her and he didn't start taking her clothes off. She smiled at him with that smile I thought was for Rick and Em and me when we did something she really liked. Like give her a present from all of us or get on really well with each other.

I was already feeling a bit awkward observing them when they clearly thought they were alone. Yet I couldn't pull myself away. It was a bit like watching a romantic movie. Plus, they knew I would come home at some point and if they wanted privacy, they could have gone to her bedroom, or _their_ bedroom.

"I think you would look spectacular with a big belly, sweetheart, and just imagine..."

Oh my God, no! Was that their sex talk? I had to get away.

"You'd be a wonderful father, Andy. I really do want to try and have a baby with you."

Wait, what? No, not sex talk, they were talking about having a baby? I felt awful, because I hadn't meant to actually overhear their conversation. I mean, yeah, I had been curious, but I hadn't meant to listen in on something that was kinda very private.

"I can't wait to see you with our child, sweetheart."

No! No! No!

At least they were so absorbed in each other that they didn't hear me sneak into my room and close the door.

When I came back out again half an hour later because I really needed the bathroom, rattling the door and making a lot of noise, they were gone. Only an empty glass and one of those ridiculously shaped teacups on the coffeetable told me that something unusual must have happened tonight. Sharon _never _left glasses on the table, she always made sure that everything was put into the dishwasher prior to turning in for the night. I know because I've had my shares of lectures for "non-compliance".

/

I hadn't thought much about the whole baby thing again until recently. We, as in Sharon, Andy and I, visit Nicole a lot. It's become a thing for Sundays when they aren't working. Took a little getting used to in the beginning, but I like it. Lots of people and everyone is being nice to each other and laughing and joking around. It's fun and it makes me feel like I am part of Andy's family now, too.

Nicole's friend was there with her tiny baby, all scrunched up and looking a bit like an alien if you ask me, but nobody did. Everybody was all excited, fussing over the baby – until it started crying. And it just didn't stop. Okay, the baby was actually a girl, Julia. Her mum changed her (gross!) and fed her (really gross!), but she was still crying.

Finally, Nicole had an idea. "Dad, can't you try with Julia? Mum always says you were great with Jona and me when we were small."

"Sure, let me take the little girl."

Yeah, Sharon definitely hadn't told me everything there was to this baby story. Not with the way they were looking at each other and the baby. He actually kissed her on the forehead and she was blinking like I do when I don't want to cry.

Within minutes, Julia had settled down and was sleeping peacefully.

"Looks like the grandparents still have their mojo," I quipped and Nicole laughed.

"I'm sure it's some magic trick they haven't told us about yet."

"I'd sure like to know!" Nicole friend sighed. Damn, she looked about ready to fall asleep herself.

The 'grandparents' were so absorbed in the baby, they didn't even notice Nicole and me talking. Instead, Sharon hid her face in Andy's shoulder and he whispered something into her ear that made her wipe furiously at her eyes. It looked like she really was crying. Poor Sharon. Damn, seeing her cry, even if just a little bit, it was like my world shifted. She is always so incredibly strong. She is not supposed to cry! Uh!

"Wow, those two are definitely in their own little world. They don't hear a word we're saying. Lovebirds. At least they're admitting to dating now." Nicole shook her head while Andy was kissing Sharon again and she ran a finger along the baby's cheek making little cooing noises.

"They claim they only started when Sharon got divorced, but I don't think anyone but them actually believes that." I said. They were both making these strange baby noises now!

"But _they_ really, really believe they only just started dating."

"I know! They're being very genuine about that, too." I was enjoying this. Nicole can be really funny. I took another look at them - they were busy making googly eyes at each other now. Seriously!

"The baby's really happy with them and they look very happy with the baby, don't you think?"

Nicole appraised them critically. "They do look particularly happy holding little Julia."

Now or never. I leaned in and whispered into Nicole's ear.

"Do you think they, uh, might, uh, want one? A baby I mean. For themselves?"

"Rusty – are you trying to tell me something?" she whispered back.

"I don't know anything. I mean, she's not pregnant or anything. I asked Sharon and she said no."

"You asked her that? Wow, you have guts."

"Uh, thanks, I guess. Do you think they might be wanting a baby?"

"Well, they'd be … a little on the old side."

"Look at them though."

"Only one way to find out."

I learned then that once she got an idea in her head, it was basically impossible to stop Nicole.

"Dad, this looks like you and Sharon should really have a another baby yourselves!"

While Andy chuckled slightly amused, Sharon just looked plain shocked for a moment before she schooled her features.

"Or maybe you should get some grandkids," I interjected suddenly feeling really awful for making Sharon look so shocked.

"Grandkids? Well, Rusty, your generation is responsible for that. Go ahead, we'd love to have grandkids!"

Sharon's expression turned to scandalised within a fraction of a second and she hit Andy's arm. "Andy! Rusty is 18 years old. How can you suggest that?"

I think I know why Andy said it. I think he had also noticed how shocked Sharon had been by Nicole's question and wanted to take her mind of that. If only I'd kept my mouth shut…but yeah, they definitely hadn't been joking when I overheard them that night.

Wow. So I was going to be a big brother?


	7. Matching Secrets

We've had a wonderful few months. I'm spending a lot of time at the condo with Sharon and Rusty now and I love this life we are starting to build. It's like we are slowly becoming a family. Rusty is coming to me for advice - not often, but sometimes he'll approach both me and Provenza.

Rusty has been so good at keeping our secret – and I am not talking about the baby. Personally, I think Sharon was overreacting there. Rusty can't know anything for sure. He seems happy enough now, going to college and coming home at night, full of stories.

What I do know is that he has shared his ideas with Nicole and that my girl picked right up on it. I had words with Nicole after that visit. Her comment had been inappropriate, even if I had seen the fun in it. I mean, Sharon and I were basically drooling over little Julia and of course we were imagining that she was ours. I can take the jokes, but I really hated how it affected Sharon and I am not going to let anyone make her uncomfortable, not even my little girl.

As of two weeks ago, we are no longer a secret! Sharon has informed Chief Taylor of our 'new' relationship. I offered to go with her, but she turned me down saying it would go better if she did this alone. Given my history with Taylor she was probably right, but it still felt wrong. I should have been there, too. After all, I'm one half of this relationship and I want to stand up for us just like she does.

"Andy, I know all the ways this can go and I know all the rules and regulations to make sure that in the end we'll come out well. Don't worry, honey, for once, the rules are on your side. "

I liked her reasoning, "You mean Captain Rulebook is on my side."

"Captain Rulebook is in bed with you."

"You better not tell Taylor that!" What can I say, I adore being in bed with Captain Rulebook and even more so with Sharon!

/

Talking about secrets. There is one I particularly enjoy - even though at times it drives me crazy. When Sharon showed me her lingerie collection I was truly speechless. It was a bit like a dream come true and then she leaned in, nibbling my earlobe.

"How about _you_ choose what I wear today?"

"But we're going to work today." Surely she wouldn't wear _this _to work?

"And?"

"Well, this is not exactly work day wear."

"Oh, it is, Andy. You might want to know this is what I wear for work every day."

"You what? God, woman, you're telling me you're in these lacy numbers when you hunt down a suspect with us or have your budget meetings? Damn, I'll never be able to look at you the same way. How do you expect me to concentrate on my job ever again?"

Sharon gave me a cheeky grin and picked out a beautiful coral set, all lace and silk. "I'm sure I've seen you wear a matching tie."

Let me tell you, it makes long days at work a lot more exciting to know just what I can look forward to when we finally get home!

/

The only damper on our happiness are the monthly disappointments. Ever since that first time, I've made sure I was with Sharon on the days we would find out if we were expecting our baby. I don't recall being so aware of Joanne's monthly cycles back then, yet now I could tell you the exact day if you asked me. It's a bit obsessive, but it's an obsession we both share. We both know so well that what we are hoping for is a miracle, that our chances are so incredibly low.

I want this for both of us. That joyful smile on Sharon's face all those months ago when I said we should try to have a baby has stayed with me ever since. I want to see that joy again, I want to live it with her and maybe, just maybe we might have gotten lucky.

"Come here, sweetheart, I'm awake." I said when she was climbing back into bed in the early morning hours. We had been existing in this strange limbo between joyful hope and total disappointment for a few days now.

"Didn't mean to wake you," she said as she laid her head on my shoulder and entangled her legs with mine. "Gosh, you're so nice and warm."

"Miss Icy Feet. You okay?" I wanted to make sure I knew, either way. I didn't want her to lie in my arms and suffer in silence without me knowing.

"Oh yes, much better than I thought I'd be."

"Yeah?" This tiny light of hope inside of me was flickering more brightly now, fed by her words, becoming a fire, my heartbeat picking up. "Oh sweetheart, that's great!"

"It could still be nothing, Andy."

"But it could still be what we've been waiting for."

"Let's just lie here and enjoy the possibility for a while longer."

The moment was magical, the sun slowly coming up spreading it's first rays into our bedroom while we lay there looking at each other in wonder. She is so beautiful with that soft, hopeful expression on her face. I just love Sharon without make-up. This is the real her. All the little imperfections that make up one perfect woman. I placed my hand on her stomach and she smiled happily at me, drawing her bottom lip into her mouth.

Throughout the day we kept looking at each other, warm smiles from her telling me that our dream was still alive. I couldn't wait to get home and pull her into my arms. I did go into her office once when the blinds were still drawn from an earlier meeting and she looked up at me from her desk, both surprised and pleased to see me. I gently closed the door and moved to stand behind her, my hands coming to rest on her shoulders. She turned her head to smile at me.

"Lieutenant, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to see you for a moment and be close to you."

"I've been daydreaming," she admitted with a cute little shrug, pointing at the papers on the desk. "I've been staring at these all day, but really, I've been dreaming."

At night, we allowed Rusty to order in his favourite meal for the second time in a row, burgers. Just like two days ago Sharon rather uncharacteristically dug in, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand when she had finished.

"Gosh, this was absolutely delicious. Andy, are you going to finish your fries or can I have some of them?"

"Go ahead, sweetheart, help yourself." Were the crazy cravings starting already? Yesterday it had been Chinese and I watched in fascination as she now pulled my plate towards herself, liberally pouring mayonnaise over the fries.

"Ew, Sharon, that is disgusting!" I fully agreed with Rusty on that one.

"Quite the contrary, Rusty, this is absolutely delicious."

"I have to side with the kid here."

"Belgian neighbours when I was growing up, best way ever to enjoy your fries. But you keep enjoying your ignorance my friends."

"Okay, you two. What's the occasion? Burger, fries, mayonnaise for the second time this week and you two have been smiling like idiots all day."

"Why do we need a special occasion to indulge in some good old junk food?"

"She does," Rusty was pointing his chin in Sharon's direction.

"Maybe 'she' didn't feel like arguing with the two of you tonight. Gosh, this really is nice! You should try it."

"That's okay, you are enjoying this so much, I wouldn't have the heart to make you part with you food!" It would also mean she would be finished faster and I would have less time to watch her eat.

Rusty offered to clean up and Sharon and I really wanted to be alone with each other, so we locked up the condo for the night and went for an early night.

"I meant to ask you before we went to work this morning. Do you want to take a test?"

"I might not tell us what we'd like, Andy. I…I know we will find out eventually, but could we just not know for sure– at least for a few more days? I want to hang on to our dream a little longer."


	8. An Unwelcome Visitor

Author's Note: I had no idea fries and mayonnaise could be such a conversation starter! Well, those of you who haven't tried it yet, you really should :-) I had some last night after I posted the last chapter!

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><p>Andy is not at all like those guys my mum dated. It's been like seven or eight months since she got divorced and he is still around. That's got to count for something. It's just that he has started acting a bit odd recently. He is always checking up on Sharon now – and I mean <em>always<em>!

"Sharon, are you okay?"

"Why don't you take a nap?"

"Can I get you anything, sweetheart?"

"Please don't do that yourself – let me do it."

"Sharon – are you sure that's a good idea? Why don't you do sit down and let me do that?"

Jesus, it's driving me crazy and it looks like Sharon is starting to get annoyed, too. I overheard them argue, but once they notice I'm around, they always stop. It's always the same thing.

She will complain. "There's no need to wrap me in cotton wool, Andy. I can look after myself."

"I told you that this is who I am, I can't stop that – and certainly not now! Hell, is it so difficult to just let me take care of you every once in a while?"

I don't ever get what they're really arguing about, but I don't think it's a real fight. I mean, Flynn's still here, isn't he? I think Sharon made him leave for the night once or twice, but they next day, he's always been back. If they were really fighting, wouldn't he have left? I told Nicole and she said not to worry. She thinks that's just the way they are. Em thinks the same. I don't know, I don't like it when they fight.

When they don't fight, they do seem really happy. They are like always touching and looking at each other. Yesterday evening, Andy was sitting on the couch and when Sharon walked by, he pulled her into his lap. She squealed like on of these younger girls at school! They are so silly and they are always exchanging these weird looks when they think I'm not looking. They think I don't notice, but I do. Something is up. They are planning something. Nicole says she wouldn't be surprised if they got married but Em thinks her Mum won't ever get married again.

Andy really is totally different from the guys my mum dated. He would never ever hurt Sharon. But I think sometimes he wants to really hurt _other _people when they hurt her. Like for example Jack. He came by in the middle of the night the other day, well, the other night. He was banging on the door like crazy and shouting his head off.

I woke up and Andy was already standing in the living room with his gun and then Sharon came, too, with her gun. The first thing I noticed was that she didn't wear that long white nightgown anymore. The second was that they didn't look like they'd been sleeping but more like they'd been in the middle of, uh, something else.

"Don't interact with him, Sharon. Let me handle this." I knew Andy was going to say that.

"He's my ex-husband, Andy, so it's my job to open the door."

"He's a belligerent drunk right now. I've dealt with plenty of those in my lifetime. Let me deal with him."

"Andy! This is my condo and …"

"No, Sharon, I am _not_ going to let you face him. He's drunk, you have no idea what he is going to do."

"Oh for heaven's sake Andy, this is Jack. I was married to him for almost three decades. Do you think this is the first time I'm doing this? He's an annoying drunk, but he's not dangerous."

"Sharon, no! No way in hell am I going to let you open that door!"

They stared at each other while Jack kept banging at the door and shouting. If they were going to look at each other much longer, I was going to have to go and talk to Jack.

Suddenly, Andy hugged Sharon really hard. It looked a bit strange with both of them holding their guns.

"Sweetheart, I can't let you do this. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you or if he hurt you. I know you can face Jack, but please don't. It's not worth the risk, honey. Not now," and when he said that he put his hand on Sharon's stomach and they looked at each other and smiled like idiots.

"Okay, I'll let you handle him."

"Rusty!" They had been so busy making eyes at each other, I thought they hadn't even noticed me. "Do you have your phone in your room?"

"Yeah.

"Okay, here is what we are going to do. Sharon, you stay with the kid in his room. Take your gun and _do not _come out before I tell you to."

"Andy…"

"No, Sharon. You can call the shots at work, but right now I am a man protecting his family." He kissed her and touched her stomach again, so quickly this time that I almost missed it.

"Sharon, make sure you and the kid are safe. I'll deal with Jack. No arguments."

"Call me if you need backup."

"I will, now go. Please, sweetheart."

That seemed to do the trick and Sharon ushered me back into my room, casting a last glance over her shoulder at Andy. Inside, she sat down with me on the bed and put her gun on the nightstand. The moment the door clicked closed, it was all about me. I mean, sure, I am the child in this relationship, but it's not like Jack was coming for me. He must have come to see Sharon. She did what she always does, cocked her head and looked at me, put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry this is happening, Rusty."

"It's not your fault that Jack is an idiot."

Sharon smiled briefly and ruffled my hair. I like when she does that, even though I'll move my head away and she knows I like it.

"You've spent too much time around Andy and Lieutenant Provenza, you can't call people idiots." But her voice was warm and soft when she said it. I think she really likes that Andy and I get on so well.

Outside, we heard Jack's loud and angry voice, shouting and threatening Andy. There were shuffling sounds and Sharon jumped up immediately positioning herself right behind the door. She was all Captain Raydor now, never mind the nightdress and her hair all over the place.

"What if he's not here for you, Sharon? What if he's going after Andy?" The thought had suddenly crossed my mind and it was out before I could stop myself.

Sharon took a deep breath and just for a split second, she looked really upset before she was all Captain Raydor again.

"Andy is well trained and he can protect himself. He knows to call me when he needs support." She certainly didn't look as calm as she sounded – and now _she _touched her stomach. Wait, what had the Lieutenant said earlier about protecting his family? He'd said family, he'd absolutely said family! Well, that would explain all the funny touching!

"If this gets out of hand we will call for backup. I would just prefer the whole LAPD did not know about my ex-husband and my Lieutenant having a fight in my condo in the middle of the night."

"We'll tell them Andy was visiting me," I tried to joke.

"At 3 am. Yes, that would make the better story, wouldn't it?" Sharon even smiled a little at my lame attempt to be funny.

Outside all we could hear now were muffled voices but no more shouting and shuffling. Sharon grabbed my robe from the back of the door and put it on, shrugging apologetically. Yeah, better not go say hi to Jack in that short thing she was wearing.

When Sharon opened the door, I could hear Andy's voice.

"You have a choice, Jack. You can leave now, or I will hand you over to patrol, press charges for assaulting a police officer and let them deal with you. What's it going to be?"

"Take your fucking hands off me. While you're at it, take them off my wife, too. You heard me, asshole, stop fucking my wife."

I wondered briefly whether Andy was going to start fighting over Sharon with Jack, but he was really quiet, almost like Sharon when she's angry.

"Sharon isn't your wife anymore, Jack. She stopped being your wife last November."

"Last November? I wonder why you know that so well, Andy. Did you think you'd sneak in and claim her for yourself? Andy Flynn, the drunk? You think you'll do any better? Just wait and see, she might be all hot and bothered now, but she'll turn into a frigid bitch in no fucking time."

"Jack." Sharon's voice. God, I hope she will never, ever speak to me like that!

"You have ten seconds to get up and leave or I will bring you up on charges of assault, trespassing and unlawful entry. I will also turn over to the court evidence of your illegal gambling schemes. The statute of limitations doesn't run out for another five years."

"Look who's decided to grace us with her presence. We both know full well that you would never do that, Sharon. Just imagine the impact on our children."

"They are _my_ children, Jack, and both of _my_ children agree you should be turned over to the courts. Now, do I need to start counting or…"

I don't really recall what happened first, but Jack took a quick step towards Sharon and started shaking her and she looked so scared and Andy's gun was in Jack's face and he was shouting and Sharon was lying on the ground crying and Andy was kneeling next to her and Jack was screaming.

"She's all sexy now but soon you'll be treating frostbite, Flynn."

The door slammed behind Jack and there was silence.


	9. The Longest Hug

"Rusty? Is that you?" I heard Nicole's sleepy voice on the other side of the phone. It was too early to call her, I knew that, but I didn't know who else to call. Ricky and Emily were so far away and I didn't want to worry them without really knowing what had happened with Sharon. After three hours of sitting in the condo by myself, I _really_ needed to talk to someone.

"Rusty, calm down. I don't understand a word you're saying. What happened? Is Dad alright? Are you injured?" She sounded so worried.

"No! Not me! It's Sharon! Sharon's in hospital. Jack came to the condo and he attacked her and now she's in hospital."

"Where are you, Rusty?"

"At home."

"Good. Is Dad with Sharon?"

"Yes, he took her, but that was hours ago and he's told me to stay put and wait but I'm just going crazy. I mean it's Sharon and what if something happened to her and I'm not there and I can't even say goodbye? Nicole, I need to see her."

"Rusty, stop, stop. What exactly did Jack do to Sharon?"

"He pushed her and she fell. She fell, Nicole, and I think she is pregnant because Andy is always touching her stomach and telling her not to do things and now she's in hospital and he looked so worried and Sharon was crying."

"You said Andy took her? Was she conscious when they left? How did she feel?"

"She looked okay, but she didn't say anything. Just that she didn't want to go to hospital. Andy had to force her."

"Okay, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to come over and pick you up and then we'll go to the hospital together. You know where they are?"

"St. Catherine's."

"Stay put, Rusty, I'll pick you up in an hour tops, just need to tell Neal that he's in charge of the boys today."

"Thank you, Nicole."

"Hey, what are big sisters for? Thank _you_ for calling me and letting me know. And, Rusty?"

"Yeah?"

"Dad would make sure you got to say goodbye to Sharon if she was that badly hurt. Okay? I know he would call you if it was that serious."

I felt better after I talked to Nicole. She would be here soon and then we would go to St. Catherine's together and see how Sharon was doing.

The moment I sat down beside her in the car, Nicole shot off her first question.

"You said earlier that you think Sharon might be pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"But they haven't said anything to you?"

"No, and I haven't like asked Sharon again. But they're kinda obvious."

"Like with baby Julia?"

"No, more than that." I told Nicole about last night, all the touching, and about the fights they have when her dad is telling Sharon not to do something.

"So the big secret they are hiding might not be that they're planning to get married, it's that they're having a baby?"

"Maybe, yeah. Sharon has stopped drinking wine, and she normally has a glass every night. She doesn't even have a bottle in the fridge anymore and…uh, after Jack pushed her, your dad, well, I don't think he remembered I was there, but I think I heard him say something about a baby. I'm not sure though."

"Well, let's see how Sharon is doing first. Maybe I'll get a moment with Dad so I can ask him if we're going to have a little sibling."

"It's freaky. Like, three years ago I lived on the streets all by myself and now I have Ricky and Em, and I guess you and Jonathan as well…"

"Plus a little one on the way. It's exciting, Rusty, I'm sure you'll be one hell of a big brother! But let's go in and see how Sharon is doing first."

I was glad Nicole was with me because I wouldn't have found my way around St. Catherine's. She talked to various people telling them she and her _brother_ were looking for their _mother_ Sharon Raydor. It was a bit of a simplification, but explaining our crazy family set-up might have been a bit much. Soon, we stood outside of Sharon's room. I knocked and carefully pushed open the door.

Sharon was lying in the hospital bed with her eyes closed and Andy was sitting next to her, holding her hand looking really upset. Sharon looked kinda small in the big bed and not at all like Sharon. But she was in a normal room and the nurse had said to go in, so that seemed like a good sign. Andy turned his head and smiled briefly when he recognised Nicole and me, then he immediately turned back to Sharon touching her face with his free hand, "Sweetheart, you've got visitors, our kids are here."

I thought Sharon had been sleeping, but she opened her eyes right away.

"Rusty, Nicole, you're here? What a lovely surprise!" The words were nice, but her voice didn't sound like Sharon at all.

"Good morning Sharon, Dad. We don't want to disturb you, but Rusty called me this morning and told me about what happened. We were worried. How are you, Sharon?"

I was glad that Nicole did all the talking because I had a big lump in my throat. I had never really seen Sharon like this. She was always so strong and telling everybody what to do and now she looked so ... helpless. It scared the hell out of me to be honest. What if she was really sick?

With Andy's help Sharon sat up in the bed before explaining. "It's nothing major, a concussion and some bruising from the fall. I'm going to be sore for a few days, but it's nothing to be worried about." Except that Andy and her both looked _really_ worried.

Then Sharon looked at me and did that wavy thing with her hand. "Come here, Rusty, sit down with me."

I stood frozen to the spot, my hands in my pockets. Was she really okay? A concussion sounded serious and Sharon looked like she was in pain. If I sat down on the bed…would I hurt her? Sharon kept smiling at me in that encouraging way like she used to when I first came to live with her.

"Andy, Nicole, would you mind giving me a moment alone with my son?"

She called me her son. I like that. She doesn't say it much, but it always makes me feel good and happy.

After Andy and Nicole had left, Sharon waved her hand at me again and this time I did sit down on the bed next to her. She smiled at me and ruffled my hair and I didn't pull away. I was just happy to be with her and to see she was okay, somehow at least.

"I'm happy to see you here, Rusty."

"You are?"

"I am. You did well reaching out to Nicole and I'm very glad you're here now."

"I was so worried about you, Sharon. I thought … I thought…" I was going to start crying, I could feel it. I rubbed my eyes as hard as I could, but it didn't help at all.

"You saw Jack attack me, Rusty, and I know that was scary. I'm fine now, a little shaken up and sore from the fall, but it will heal."

"Really?"

"Yes, the doctors are planning to send me home later today."

Okay. Okay. So Sharon was okay. I took a really deep breath. But what about the baby? Should I ask her about that, too? Because she _said _she was fine, but she didn't _look _fine.

"Rusty, I'm sorry you had to witness Jack attacking me."

"Why are you sorry for me? He hurt you, Sharon, not me."

"You saw everything and sometimes, when you watch someone you care about get hurt, you can be hurt yourself."

"Are you going to push therapy on me again? Because I'm still seeing Doctor Joe, you know, and I'm sure two therapists would be a bit much."

"No, I know that you will talk about last night with Doctor Joe if you feel you need to. What I want to tell you is that not all men are like Jack or your mother's boyfriends. I know you have seen a lot of violence at home, but I want you to promise me something: if you are ever in a relationship and your partner physically attacks you, get out. Don't let that happen. Don't accept excuses. Nobody has the right to harm you, Rusty. Nobody. I need you to know that."

"Okay."

"Remember that, Rusty, _nobody_ has the right to attack you and to harm you. Don't look at Jack or your mother's boyfriends as examples. That is _not_ how a relationship should be."

"I know, Sharon. You and Andy, that's how it should be."

Sharon smiled and looked really happy for a moment, "Yes, that's the way it should be."

I hugged her and I think she was a bit surprised at first, but then I felt her put her arms around me as well. It felt good to hug her, comforting. She put her hand on the back of my head and ruffled my hair. Funny, we never really combined hugging and messing with my hair. I sighed. She was okay. That was all that counted.

"I'm glad you're okay, Sharon," I whispered and she held me little tighter. That must have been our longest hug ever.

"So am I, Rusty."

But even we couldn't hug forever, so we finally let go. I felt much better now that I had seen Sharon, but there was still the question of the baby.

"You still seemed concerned, Rusty. You don't need to worry about Jack coming back."

Funny, even Sharon couldn't read my mind completely.

"Andy has already spoken with Lieutenant Provenza and they arrested him a few hours ago."

"Is he going to stay in prison?"

"Yes, with the assault charges both Andy and I will be pressing and the information about his gambling scheme I've asked Gavin to pass on, he should serve time."

"Emily and Ricky will be happy you finally decided to do that."

Sharon narrowed her eyes at me in surprise. "_How_ do you know about that?"

"They told me."

"They shouldn't have, but I'm happy the three of you are getting on so well. Have you spoken to them yet today?"

"No, I didn't know what had happened to you and I didn't want to worry them."

Sharon put her hand on my shoulder and gave me that proud smile that tells me I've done well, that I've been _good_ and _kind_.

"Thank you for being mindful of that, Rusty. I will call them myself tonight and tell them what happened. They deserve to hear the news of Jack's arrest from me."

"Sharon! They won't care about the arrest, they'll care about you and that he attacked you!"

She nodded and for a while we just sat there. I was glad she was okay. She looked small and tired, but she was okay and she was smiling at me and talking to me like always.

"Sharon, can I ask you something else?"

"Of course."

"But it's kinda personal. Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Ask, Rusty."

"Is … is the baby okay?"


	10. You Call us Both Sweetheart

Author's note: I _was_ going to continue right where I left off with the conversation between Sharon and Rusty, but then a guest said s/he would love to read the confrontation between Andy and Nicole. Why not, I thought to myself, so here's my first-ever attempt at writing Nicole.

I promise however that the conversation between Sharon and Rusty is up next. Just don't give me any ideas for chapters in between!

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><p>Sharon and I have talked a lot about motherhood, particularly since she officially became Dad's girlfriend. I know how important Rusty is to her and with how upset he was today, I think it's good she is taking the time to talk to him now. She literally took one look at him and all her attention was focussed on him. I don't know all that much about Rusty's past, but it must be horrifying to see your mum attacked like that in her own home, and that probably wasn't the first time he witnessed something like that. I'm really glad he called and we got to come here and I am so relieved that Sharon is okay.<p>

Both her and Dad aren't exactly young anymore and who knows what can happen when they fall? I suppose compared to the dangers they are both facing at work every day, the dangers of tripping in the shower or falling down the stairs are small, but it still sort of scares me. Neal's mum is about the same age as Sharon and she slipped in February and broke her hip. She still can't walk long distances.

All that makes it only more odd to think that they could actually be trying to have a baby. From the outside, it sounds pretty ridiculous and I would have totally discarded the idea if it hadn't been for what I have already seen myself. It wasn't only when they got to hold little Julia, it's the way they are around children and babies in general. Sharon seems to have a knack for getting even the most difficult infant to sleep. I love her singing voice and I'm always tempted to tell the boys to act up a little just so she'll offer to sing them to sleep.

Dad looked so sad and totally exhausted. I don't think I've ever seen him like that. He probably didn't get much sleep last night, but it's more than mere tiredness I see in his features. I can't reconcile what Sharon told us earlier with the expression on both Dad's and her face. Considering she is okay and allowed to go home today – should they be this sad? I can't help but feel that something is amiss.

I totally understand that this would not be the right moment to announce a pregnancy to us. Who knows how far along Sharon is and at their ages, they might just want to be more careful.

It's ridiculous. Maybe Rusty has just misinterpreted it all? I mean … my boys would be older than my little sister or brother. Crazy, right? Crazy like this whole family Dad has created with Sharon. I meant what I said to Rusty earlier – I'm his big sister now and if I'm being honest, I adore it. Emily and I have started chatting over the past months after we met at that big Christmas party Sharon and Dad threw at her place. Five children plus Neal _and_ the grandkids _and_ Dad's grumpy friend who drank almost three bottles of wine before passing out on the balcony. Emily danced with the boys and they just adored her and insisted on chatting with her over skype and somehow that's turned into a friendship.

My thoughts were interrupted when Dad placed two large black coffees on the table in front of me.

"Thank you for bringing Rusty here, Nicole. I really appreciate that."

"You're welcome. I think he felt a bit alone."

"I didn't know what to do, Nic. Sharon refused to go to the hospital, but she was obviously in so much pain and … I asked Rusty to stay at home. Maybe I should have taken him with us."

"That wasn't a criticism, Dad."

"No?"

"No, not at all. Come, sit down. You must be exhausted."

He did and took one of the coffee cups, blowing over the still hot liquid.

"So tell me, is Sharon really okay?" I had promised Rusty I'd ask but I had no idea how to broach the subject. I couldn't very well ask if Sharon was pregnant, could I?

"She's pretty shaken. She was married to Jack for a long time and they've had their differences, but he never attacked her before last night. It's not easy to accept when someone you once loved turns into a total dirtbag. It's hard on her."

"But?"

"_I_ failed her, Nicole. _I_ couldn't protect her. God, how I wish I had acted differently. How I wish I had arrested that bastard right there and then! I wish I could have protected her. Hell, I should have protected her!"

"Dad, nobody is almighty, not even you – and Sharon is fine, she'll recover – that's what she told us herself."

He shook his head and looked so totally dejected. Yes, Sharon had been hurt, but she was going to be okay, wasn't she? Surely he was being overly dramatic?

"You love her very much, don't you, Dad?"

"Of course I do!" At least that had brought a smile back to his face.

He really does love her. It's actually really touching to see just how much. It's so obvious from the way he looks at her and hangs on every word she says. If Sharon is in the room, Dad is all about her. It's cute and it's heartwarming. I'm thinking he must have loved her for a long time already.

When Dad had brought Sharon to the wedding we had all been incredibly curious. I for one was pleasantly surprised he didn't show up with a woman my age. He was so relaxed and happy around her, chatting with the rest of the family, proudly introducing his friend Sharon to everyone and Sharon made conversation and smiled and talked about her kids. Until they danced. Nobody believed she was just his friend after that anymore.

Except that just a few weeks later he came over to our place stuttering and stammering and saying he wasn't really with Sharon and could we please stop saying that because she would be uncomfortable. I thought that maybe they had broken up, but he kept bringing her to every family occasion, every dinner, every outing with the boys. They looked just as comfortable and close as they had at the wedding. Only when they really started going out did I see the difference. It's sounds cliché, I know, but they were literally both glowing, always looking at each other and holding hands, stealing kisses when they thought nobody was looking.

"Dad, if Sharon is okay, why are you still so sad?"

"It's been a hard day, Nic."

"But…well, you look so…" I occurred to me then how little I really knew my dad, how little I knew about him. We'd reconnected these past few years, but I didn't know what to tell him to make him feel better. I didn't know whether I should keep prodding and insisting or whether I should just leave him in peace. These last years had been all about him making things up to me. He had been there for me and supported me – but I hadn't done the same for him and now we were seated here while the woman he loved was lying in a hospital bed.

"I'm sorry I'm in such a dark mood, sweetheart."

I smiled. "You call us both sweetheart, have you noticed? Both Sharon and me."

Dad chuckled self-consciously. "I know, but you're the only ones, I promise you."

"Did you call mum sweetheart, too?" I regretted the words before they were even out of my mouth, but Dad just smiled.

"I did once, but she hated it."

Emboldened by his positive reaction, I pushed on. "What did you call her?"

"Baby."

"Seriously?"

"She liked it at the time."

Funny, I never knew that about my parents. Well, Dad seemed to be in a somewhat lighter mood and maybe this was my opportunity to find out more about him and Sharon.

"Dad, can I ask you a personal question?" I ventured ahead bravely.

"Sure, shoot."

"Dad, is it true that the two of you would like to have a child together?" Well, it was out now.

"What?" he almost choked on his coffee. Way to go, dad. "Why would you ask that?"

"Curious, that's all."

"Sweetheart, I'm not going to talk to you about that. That's a very personal question."

"But what's the harm in telling me?"

"Sweetheart, you know Sharon and she is a very private person. She wouldn't like me talking to you about this – plus, as much as I love you, I don't really think it's really any of your business."

"Oh, come on Dad! That's all you're going to say?"

"Nicole, please stop."

I should have heeded his advice and stopped right there, but something possessed me to go on.

"I think the obvious answer would have been 'No, why would you think so Nicole?' But you didn't say that. Instead you're stonewalling. So I think it's true – you two are trying to have a baby. Oh Dad, how exciting! Come on, tell me, is Sharon already pregnant?"

But I had pushed too far. Dad sighed so dejectedly, it broke my heart. I could only just see the tears in his eyes before he turned away. Impulsively, I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug and he heaved a sob.

God, how many years had it been since I last hugged Dad like that?

Except that he was crying now, really crying and I had no idea what to do. Damn! What do you do if your father suddenly starts crying?

"Let's go back to Sharon, okay, Dad? I'll take you back to Sharon."


	11. Loss

Author's Note: If you have been following this story you will be aware that this chapter is going to bring the answer to Rusty's question whether the baby is okay. The title of this chapter is "Loss" and that's exactly what this chapter deals with.

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><p>„Is the baby okay?"<p>

Rusty's voice was so tentative when he asked me. He looked at me and his look went straight through to my heart. My boy. His concern was real, as real as his worry about me and my health had been earlier on. I debated on how answer his question. Andy and I hadn't even had a chance to talk about the miscarriage yet. We hadn't even had time to decide whether we wanted to let those around us know we'd lost a baby. Nobody even knew we had been trying. Well, maybe not nobody, Rusty obviously knew something. How I wished that Andy was here with me, how I wished that I could hold his hand while having this conversation.

I took a deep breath and looked at Rusty whose eyes were still fixed on me. When I took both of his hands in mine he let me and squeezed my hands a little. It felt strange to be comforted by him, yet also familiar. My boy had grown so much and suddenly, maybe for the very first time in our relationship, he was the strong one. I couldn't lie to him this time.

"Oh Rusty, honey," my voice almost broke and I had to swallow to get it back under control. "I lost the baby."

I lost the baby. Saying it out loud made it real, so painfully real. I lost the baby. The baby Andy and I had barely even known existed. The baby we had wanted so much. The baby we had already loved.

"Can, I don't know, would it be okay if I hugged you, Sharon?"

"That would be very okay."

And hug me he did and we held each other for the second time that day. But this was unlike any time we'd hugged before. This time, Rusty was the one giving comfort and at the realisation I started sobbing. My son didn't let go, he just held on to me. My boy.

"Thank you Rusty," I said when I trusted my voice again and we slowly pulled back.

"Did you loose the baby because of what Jack did?" Rusty whispered.

"No, honey, not because of what Jack did."

"But this morning, when Jack came, you were still pregnant? Because you both acted like it. Andy was really worried about the baby."

Yes, Andy had been worried sick. While we were still at the condo, Andy had picked me up from the floor and cradled me in his arms and he had kept asking if we were okay, if we were both okay. Of course, Rusty would have heard that and put two and two together.

"Andy and I thought that I was still pregnant, yes. When I got here, the first thing the doctor did was to perform an ultrasound. That's a machine they use to look for the baby, or, when the baby is still very small, the heartbeat. When they checked this morning, they couldn't find a heartbeat anymore." I took a deep breath, willing the tears not to fall.

"I … I'm so sorry, Sharon, that's …I'm so sorry. "

"Thank you, Rusty."

"I'm … you know I started thinking and I think I would have liked to be a big brother. You know, I could always share my room with the baby."

This was so different from our conversation last year when he had been worried about having to move out because of a new sibling. My boy, I was just so proud of the young man he had become! Yes, I had lost the baby Andy and I had loved so dearly, but my son Rusty was right here with me. I didn't very much like talking about what could have been, but there was one thing I still needed him to know.

"Oh honey, I think you would be a wonderful big brother! I wouldn't ask you to share your room, though. We would have moved to a place big enough for all of us to live together, as a family."

The smile on Rusty's face told me it had been worth saying it, even if it had hurt. His hands were still in mine and he cocked his head a little bit. It's funny, I'm sure that's a gesture he picked up from me. Pride at my son and his accomplishments flooded through me again.

"Can I … can I ask you something else, Sharon?"

"Of course."

"Are you sure it's not because Jack pushed you? I mean, you fell like really hard. You have a concussion and, well, it _looked _very painful."

"I didn't loose the baby because I fell. I was only about eight weeks pregnant, Rusty. The baby was still tiny, about a big as a raspberry and very well protected inside of me."

"But why else would the baby have died?"

"Sometimes a baby may not be healthy enough to grow and when that happens the baby stops developing when it's still very small ... The doctors talk about chromosomal abnormalities."

"Yeah, I know that from biology classes."

"That's the reason for most miscarriages and because Andy and I are both a bit older than most parents, our risk was also higher."

"It's just not fair, Sharon! You and Andy were so happy and all because of Jack."

"Ssh, stop, Rusty. Don't say that. Yes, loosing the baby is tragic and," I swallowed hard and tried to blink back the tears, "it's going to hurt. It hurts, a lot and it's not going to stop anytime soon. But blaming Jack isn't going to bring the little one back. It's only going to make us bitter. Jack is out of all of our lives now and what's important is how _we_ move on, all of us, you, Andy and myself."

"Do … do you want to have another baby?"

"I don't know, honey. That's something Andy and I will decide together and we haven't yet."

There he was, my son, sitting on my hospital bed and still holding onto my hands and looking at me with such concern.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little, not too much."

The ER doctor had called Naomi right away when I told her about my pregnancy this morning. At my age, the pregnancy was considered high risk and he had been only too happy to call in a specialist. Naomi had been the one of perform the ultrasound, to break the news to Andy and myself. She had performed the D&C right after that. We had briefly talked about other options, but I wanted the miscarriage to be over. I couldn't face being in pain for days while my body took care of what remained of Andy's and my dream… I've lost a child before, between Emily and Ricky and I couldn't go through weeks of bleeding… I just couldn't.

God, this was painful enough as it was without having a constant reminder for the coming weeks. I wished Andy was here with me, I wished I hadn't send him away, I wished he could hold me now. It felt like only yesterday that we had seen the tiny heartbeat on the monitor, our very own miracle – and now it was over. We hadn't even had time to understand what had happened.

Much like Rusty, Andy had also blamed the fall, and Jack. For a moment I had been scared he would leave and go in search of Jack to beat him up, but then Naomi had explained to us much the same thing that I had just told Rusty. It was an unfortunate coincidence.

"Andy, from a medical perspective the type of fall Sharon suffered wouldn't cause a miscarriage. This early in the pregnancy, the child is small and well protected in the uterus. It would take direct trauma to a woman's abdomen to cause a miscarriage this early. Judging by the way your HCG levels have dropped, Sharon, I would say you already lost the baby a few days ago. We've only discovered it now."

In the end, Andy and I had held each other and cried until Naomi was ready to perform the procedure. When Nicole and Rusty had come, I had only been back in the room for an hour or so.

I just wanted to go home. We all needed to get out of this hospital and go home, to a fluffly blanket and a mug of hot chocolate and a nice movie. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and quietly grief the child Andy and I had already loved so much.

I felt numb. I didn't feel anything. I should have felt despair. I should have cried and screamed. I wanted Andy. I didn't want to cry here in this strange place, I wanted my home and my bed and my blanket and Andy.

Just then, the door opened and Andy walked in with red eyes, Nicole following close behind. My heart contracted painfully. Oh Andy, my Andy. All the anguish I wasn't yet allowing myself to feel was reflected in his face and I knew then that I couldn't hold it together anymore. I extended my arm and said his name quietly, not trusting my voice not to break. Our eyes met and then Andy was in my arms, sobbing noisily as he hid is face against my neck and held on to me with an iron grip.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Rusty and Nicole about to leave and I nodded a silent acknowledgement.

"I'm sorry I failed you, Sharon, I'm sorry I didn't protect you."

Andy and I needed to be alone.


	12. I failed you

Author's Note: Thank you all for your words of encouragement in your emails and comments on the last chapter - I appreciate each and everyone of you. I believe in freedom of speech, so I haven't so far deleted the bully comments. I believe they reveal more about the commenter herself than my story.

But now on to Chapter 12. I have to admit I found this chapter more difficult to write and have rewritten and revised it numerous times. I'd really like to hear what you think.

* * *

><p>The moment I heard the door close behind our children, Sharon started sobbing and I lost what little self-restraint I had had left. I buried my face deeper in her neck, taking comfort in her arms around me and her familiar scent, trying to hold her close without holding her too tightly and hurting her.<p>

I remembered last night, how we had made love and curled up together afterwards.

"Our little miracle," Sharon had said and kissed me, "Our Miracle."

"We should name the little one Miracle. You know, find a name that means Miracle." I had already been making a list in my head even if I didn't get any further than Milagra – the name of Julio's little sister.

No more miracles. No more baby. The realisation hit me again, thundering over me like a wave and pressing me deeper into Sharon's arms, closer to her. I tried to breathe and it turned into a sob – and she started whispering to me, her hands on my back caressing me in an calm rhythm, soothing and steady.

Then the images of Jack grabbing her and pushing her to the ground came flooding back. That bastard!

I had failed her. I had failed the woman I loved so dearly. Jack had come waltzing into the condo in the middle of the night and I had let him in, and then I had let him attack her. In her own home, pregnant and the father of her child had just stood by. What kind of a man was I that I couldn't even protect her from that? What sort of a father? I had failed her, failed them both when they had needed me most.

Sharon took a deep breath and then she started shaking, her anguished sobs and cries going right through to my heart, making my stomach clench painfully. All this because I hadn't protected her, because I had failed her.

"Andy."

Her voice had changed. It was no longer a whisper. She kept saying my name over and over and when I lifted my head to look at her tearstrewn face, I almost couldn't breathe. Such pain – and all caused by me and yet she had been comforting me, she had been holding me and caressing me while I cried against her. She had comforted me after I had failed her. What kind of man was I? What was wrong with me?

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I failed you."

"Andy, no..."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I failed you. I didn't protect you."

"Andy, don't…"

"God, Sharon, I'm so, so sorry."

"Andy, stop! Stop blaming yourself! I don't…"

"I'm so sorry."

"Andy, please. I need you now, I need you here."

"What good I possibly be to you?"

"Oh darling, no, don't blame yourself. Andy, come here and hold me."

"But I failed you, I didn't protect you."

"You didn't fail me. Andy, please, I need you to hold me. Andy!"

That last loud cry got through to me – finally.

"I need you to hold me. Please, Andy, please, just hold me." She sounded so small and vulnerable, this normally so strong and radiant woman.

"Andy!" she took me by the shoulders and shook me.

"Andy, look at me! Stop blaming yourself!" Then she continued more quietly, "Please, darling, you didn't fail me, I am not blaming you, but I need you to hold me. Can you do that?"

Without looking, I kicked off my shoes and climbed up onto the bed beside her, careful not to hurt her and she clung to me, hiding her face against my chest, her arm wrapped tightly around me – and then she really started crying. Despondent, helpless, her whole body shaking while she barely managed to breathe.

"Hold me, Andy. Please hold me tight."

"I'll hurt you." I couldn't cause her pain, not on top of all the anguish.

"I need to feel you, Andy. I don't care, I just need to feel you."

We lay like that with my arms wrapped tightly around Sharon until we had no more tears left. Sharon took one deep breath and I thought she might start again, but she lifted her face to look at me. What I saw shocked me. She looked raw, and hurt, her eyes red from crying, pain and exhaustion showing in her face, the green eyes dim and lifeless. She opened her mouth as though to speak, but no sound came out.

"I've got you, Sharon, I'm here and I won't leave you."

She shook her head, vehemently. "I know," she croaked. "Andy, I know and I'm so grateful for that. But you have to know that I do not blame you for what happened and I need you to promise me that you don't blame yourself either. Andy, please, if you blame yourself, we won't be able to get through this!"

"I don't blame myself, sweetheart," I said and lied. Point blank to her face. What else could I do? She was in no state to discuss this and she obviously wouldn't let it go and she needed her rest – and so I lied. I'm still surprised she didn't notice, but then she was exhausted. We had barely slept last night, then she had been attacked by a man she once trusted, learned we lost our baby and had undergone surgery. This wasn't the bright astute police captain lying in my arms, this was my Sharon who had had far too much flung at her in the past 12 hours.

Sharon looked at me for a moment longer before leaning in for a kiss so soft, I barely noticed it. She hummed and then, finally, she closed her eyes and I could feel her body relax, the grip on my waist loosening as she drifted into what I hoped would be peaceful oblivion.

This was the first time I had ever consciously lied to her and the knowledge of that lie burned inside of me, bright and dangerous, ready to consume us both. But that was something to deal with at a later stage. For now, Sharon slept in my arms.

I was so grateful that Sharon was resting now. So much had happened in the past few hours and we hadn't even had a moment to talk much, let alone grief. Naomi told us our child had died and before I knew it, Sharon had been in surgery. I had sat in this room, waiting for her to come back and when they brought her back in, she had barely been awake, looking so small and fragile, whimpering when I touched her. Her hand had gone to her abdomen, the look in her eyes so pitiful when she pulled her lower lip into her mouth. I shook my head and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"I lost our baby. Andy, it wasn't a dream, was it?"

"No sweetheart, it wasn't a dream, we've lost our little one. You've just had surgery, but you'll be fine."

She had closed her eyes after that and I thought she had fallen back asleep, so I had just sat there holding her hand – until Nicole and Rusty had come in.

/

I woke up when Sharon slipped out of my embrace. It was very early still judging by how little light filtered in through the curtains, so I stretched out and waited for her to come back. Maybe we would have time together before getting up. I was busy imaging what we could do when I noticed she was taking rather longer in the bathroom than she normally would. Damn, maybe she had started her period – and now she was sad and by herself. I was about to get up and check on her when door opened and she came back in. She noticed I was awake and smiled brightly before climbing back under the covers with me, slipping her icecold feet between my legs and kissing me passionately.

"Mmh, what a lovely way to wake up, sweetheart."

"Good morning Daddy!"

My heart jumped – Daddy?

"I've finally taken a test and, well … I am pregnant!"

She said it 'pregnant'. For the first time in the past few weeks she had dared to say it out loud, and I needed to try out the magic word myself.

"Oh Sharon, you are pregnant."

"We are going to be parents!" She enunciated every single word, smiling more brightly with each syllable.

Despite the early start, we were running late for work that morning and when Sharon took a pointed look at her watch, I wrapped her in my arms.

"Let's take a personal day today."

"Andy, we can't!"

"Why not? We're already late, we have no case and it's a big day for us. Let's do something special together to celebrate."

"We've been celebrating for the past two weeks."

"…and we have another nine months to continue celebrating, but today is special."

"Not quite nine months."

She made me laugh. "Yes, Captain, you are of course correct, it's not a full nine months anymore. Geez, always so detailed-oriented."

"And you are already insulting the mother of your child."

"No, I was only pointing out that being pregnant might make you even more detail…" I never got to finish my sentence because she stopped me with a kiss.

"I'm pregnant, Andy, can you believe it? I really am pregnant and we are going to have a baby!"

I looked down into her face so full of love and excitement – she had been happy the past two weeks, but quietly so – and today she was absolutely radiant.

"Just one day, Mommy, to celebrate and to start planning," I begged, placing a hand on her stomach. "Please?"

"Hmm, when you look at me like that, Daddy. Let me call Naomi and if she has time for me today, we can go together and maybe we can already see our little one's heartbeat!"

"I'd love that, Mommy!"

We had such a beautiful day together. From the small, but strong heartbeat of our baby on the ultrasound to a long walk along the ocean near Naomi's practice and a short foray into a boutique with maternity wear. I couldn't take my eyes off Sharon. She was so relaxed and happy, the wind blowing her long curls away from her face. I imagined her, a few months from now, with a baby bump. She would be even more irresistible than she already was.

/

Sharon shifted and moved closer to me, moulding her body against mine as she is apt to do when asleep and I gently ran my hands through her hair and down her back, mindful not to aggravate the bruises from Jack's attack.

I had let him attack her – in her own home. Me, a homicide detective and police officer with years of training had stood by, weapon in hand and let it happen.

How could I ever forgive myself?


	13. Hot Chocolate

When I closed the hospital room door behind me, Nicole and I just looked at each other for a moment.

"What happened, Rusty? Is Sharon sick? Dad is beside himself and she was crying, too. Damn, I tried asking him whether she was pregnant and he just broke down."

"Sharon was pregnant but they lost their baby," I said tonelessly.

"Oh dammit, no! That's just not fair. Oh God, how awful – and I have to go and stick my foot right into it. Shit. No wonder they are both so sad. Oh dammit!" Nicole was even worse than her dad with the swearing when she was upset.

"I've never seen them cry. Nic, can we leave? I think they need each other more than they need us right now. I … maybe I can text them and tell them we've left."

Which is what we did and when Nicole dropped me off at the condo, I just stood outside on the balcony for a long time looking down at the city.

Life wasn't fair, life definitely wasn't fair. They had been different the past few weeks. Sharon had been funny with her all junkfood eating and they had always giggled as if they shared a big secret. Turns out, they had shared a very big secret. A little brother or sister for me. It was strange, the more I thought about it, the more I was starting to like the idea. I mean, yeah, it would be a big change, but the idea of being someone's big brother, of having someone who was part of my family from the very beginning. I don't know, but I kinda liked the idea to be someone's big brother.

Andy brought Sharon back home in the late afternoon. They both looked sad and tired, but Sharon was really white and her eyes were red from crying. Andy held her and I think if he had let her go, she would have just collapsed into a heap on the floor.

"Let's get you into bed, sweetheart."

"No, let's sit down here for a moment. I think we all deserve a mug of hot chocolate and some family time."

"Sharon…"

"Andy, please. Naomi said I should rest and I can best rest here, with my family."

"We'll still be here later, after you have slept a little."

Sharon stood there and shook her head while Andy seemed to be debating what to do. Surely, he could have just picked her up and carried her to their bedroom, but they just locked eyes in one of their little staring contests. It looked like Sharon was winning – like she always does.

"I'll make the hot chocolate and you go and sit down," I volunteered, glad to have something to do.

When I got back from the kitchen, they were both on the couch and Andy had wrapped his arms around her. It all looked so normal and Sharon smiled at me when I handed her a mug. I'd put extra marshmallows in for her, the tiny ones that are her favourite. I know she secretly loves all these sweet things, but she doesn't have them much because they're too unhealthy. Still, I figured she deserved a treat today.

"Maybe we can watch a movie together," she suggested and took a sip of her drink. "This is lovely, Rusty, thank you."

I looked at Andy for confirmation.

"Maybe you can go to bed and sleep and we watch a movie after that, sweetheart."

It was actually really cute, the way Andy hardly ever called her Sharon anymore. It was always sweetheart and he said it in that special way, it sounded totally different when he called Nicole sweetheart.

"I can make you more if you like."

"Oh, let's just stick with this one here. Have you eaten something?"

Sharon can be such a mom sometimes. Well, I guess she is my mom. But only Sharon would come out of hospital and her first thought would be to make sure I ate.

"Yeah, I made some pasta. There's leftovers if you two are hungry?"

"Thank you, Rusty, not now." She took another sip of her hot chocolate and I noticed that her hands were shaking. Andy noticed it, too and gently took the mug from her.

"Rusty, I know what happened here last night was scary – and I'm sorry you had to see that."

"But Sharon…"

"No, let me finish. Please. We are a family now and we determine how we deal with this. I don't want any of us to become bitter. We're here, we're all healthy, and we can move on. This is our home and I want it to be a safe and happy place, despite what happened last night."

I nodded, because I didn't know what to say and I could see Andy's jaw tensing and how he swallowed. Damn, he was angry at Jack, but it looked like more than just that.

Sharon reached for the mug again and wrapped her hands around it, "Now, let's enjoy our chocolate and watch a movie. Rusty, can you pick something without spaceships and not quite so many explosions?"

I looked at Andy again because he was so quiet – but I couldn't make eye contact. He kept looking at Sharon as though she could keel over anytime. Once the movie was running and she had finished her drink, he took the mug out of her hands and made her lie down against his chest. She made one of her little hums when he wrapped his arms around her and Andy said something I couldn't understand. All through the movie he kept looking at her and when she moved even the slightest bit, he immediately kissed her or touched her face and whispered.

"Is Sharon asleep?" I whispered when the movie was over.

Andy bent down and kissed Sharon's forehead. "Yeah, at last. Been a rough day for her."

"I'm sorry I came to the hospital without asking first."

"Rusty, you have nothing to apologise for. Sharon's your mom and you were worried. I'm sorry I didn't update you, we … well, I just didn't think."

"It's okay."

We smiled at each other.

"Maybe we should stop talking so we don't wake her?"

Andy looked at Sharon again and put one hand on her cheek. "She's fast asleep. Naomi gave her some pills, that's why I wanted her to go to bed." He smirked, "But she's stubborn."

"Shall we, I don't know, carry her?"

"Nah, that would probably wake her up. But you could get the warm blanket from our bed and help me cover her."

Yeah, I could do that. I felt a bit like a child with the way Andy watched my every move. I mean, seriously, Sharon's my mum and I'm not going to hurt her. When he was satisfied she was warm enough, he kissed her again and started playing with her hair. I've seen him do that a few times and Ricky said, they used to play with it a lot when they were small. I guess I'd kinda like to, but I'm no longer a kid and too embarrassed to ask. Andy whispered something to Sharon and closed his eyes for a moment, then turned to look at me.

"Andy? Sharon told me what happened. I'm really sorry for you guys."

"Thank you, Rusty. Can I ask – did you speak to Nicole?"

Uh…I did and even at the time I knew I was probably overstepping, but Nicole had been so worried that something was seriously wrong with Sharon with the way her dad had reacted and …

"Rusty, it's fine if you told her. I'd just like to know what she knows."

"Yeah, I told her that you lost your baby. Don't worry, she isn't going to tell anyone. We agreed we would keep it a secret, you know, let you guys decide who to tell. She was really worried about Sharon – and about you, too."

"It's good she knows."

We both went quiet for a while.

"When did you know? You know, that Sharon was the one?"

I hadn't expected Andy to answer my question, but he smiled.

"Sharon's been very special to me for quite a few years now, many years actually – and I've loved her for a good long time, but I can't even tell you when exactly it happened. Certainly long before we officially started dating."

"So you really weren't dating before her divorce?" That had always intrigued me, because they had been spending so much time together.

"No, we were very, very close friends – and we still are. Sharon, she's my … my everything." He looked down at her again and kissed her. So sweet, he must have kissed her a dozen times just in the past few minutes. Sharon was really out cold, I'm sure she would have normally woken up.

"Has Sharon ever told you how long we've known each other – and that we really didn't get on at all for many of those years?"

"She calls you her favourite rulebreaker sometimes."

"I'm sure I wasn't at the time." Andy started playing with her hair again and he looked happy, remembering. "Back in the day, Sergeant Raydor was fierce and the entire LAPD was scared of her. She sent me to sensitivity training."

"The Lieutenant, too."

"Hell, yeah, both of us, lots of times. Lots and lots of times."

"But not since I've been here."

"No...not for a while."

"What changed?"

"When she was auditing the Chief, em, Brenda, we spend a lot more time around each other and I got to know her, started seeing a new side of her. I think I had also changed by then, I wasn't so angry and so aggressive anymore. She never condoned that."

"No, she doesn't like violence."

"Sounds like we've had the same lecture."

"Sure, I live with her," and the lecture on violence had been in the really early days when I beat up those bullies at St. Joseph. _'How dare you hurt these other boys so badly? You put them in the infirmary because you hit them harder than you had to and you know it!' _I had, of course, but Sharon had seen right through me.

"So it wasn't when Sharon shot the guy with the beanbag gun?"

Andy laughed and then quickly stifled the noise, "How do you even know these things, Rusty?"

"Is it true that you kept it?"

"Of course I did – how could I not? You should have seen her, in heels and her black suit... she got the dirtbag right between the eyes! Yeah, I was certainly impressed with her."

"But not in love?"

"No, but very fascinated. None of us had expected that of the Captain of all people!"

"And then?" I prompted. I would probably never have another chance to ask Andy all these questions and I really wanted to hear more of their story.

"Then she became my boss and she took you in, Rusty. I didn't understand why she did it and I didn't like it one bit. I didn't like you much then, either."

"I wasn't very likable."

"No, Rusty. You know Sharon wouldn't want you to talk about yourself like that. You were in an awful situation and you were, quite understandably so, angry and hurt and you lashed out. Dammit, Rusty, you were only fifteen! I couldn't see it then, but Sharon could. She was able to see beyond that from the very beginning."

"So you liked her because she took me in? Did she … I mean, did she do that so people would _like_ her?"

"Oh no, definitely not! That's one of the truly remarkable things about Sharon: she would never do something just to be liked. When she does something, it's because she believes it's the right thing to do. She has an amazing talent in reading people. She saw you, she saw your potential and how much more there was to you – and she was right."

"Yeah, like always! I'm really really lucky that Sharon found me."

"You are, I agree – and Sharon would say she's the lucky one."

"I'm glad she's my mom now."

"Oh trust me, Rusty, Sharon is very, very glad you are her son."

"Did she see something else in you, too? Like back when you were a troublemaker?"

"I'd like to think she did. If she'd wanted to, she could have had me thrown off the force years ago."

"But she didn't."

"No."

"Cause she saw your potential."

"Yeah, I don't think she ever saw this, though." Andy looked at Sharon again and whispered something to her that sounded a lot like 'I love you.' She moved a bit and sighed and he kissed her and whispered something else until she calmed down again.

"It's strange, talking about Sharon like that when she's right here."

"My little monkey is fast asleep – but if she weren't, I think she'd like what she heard."

"Little monkey?" I couldn't believe my ears. Old people! I could do with all the kissing and the cuddling and the happy eyes – but 'little monkey'? I had to tell Nicole! She would love this!

"Now, that part you have to keep to yourself. Can I count on you, Rusty?"

"You really call her that – to her face?"

"Sometimes, when it's just the two of us," Andy chuckled and kissed her – again!

Before they became official, I remember the Lieutenant sometimes told Andy to stop making puppy dog eyes at their Captain and I always wondered what that meant. The way he was looking at her now, he really did look a bit like a puppy.

"But if you've liked her for so long, why didn't you ask her out on a date? I mean, Nicole and I talked about that and she was _really _sure you two were an item."

"I've been raised in a pretty strict Italian catholic family where marriage vows are sacred."

"But you've been divorced like forever."

"But Sharon wasn't."

"Oh. Ah. But she's been separated … forever, too."

"Call it old-fashioned."

"So that was you, not Sharon."

"Yes."

"So…"

Sharon hummed and started mumbling in her sleep and then suddenly her eyes opened and she looked really scared and started saying Andy's name.

"You're home, sweetheart. I know you're in pain, my love. We've just come back from the hospital, but you're home now."

"Rusty?"

"Rusty's right here, sweetheart."

Her face relaxed and I thought she had gone back to sleep, but then she smiled.

"Everybody's home."

"Yeah, we're all here. Sharon, are you in pain?"

She nodded.

"Then let me get you into bed and get you your medicines. How does that sound?"

I was surprised that Sharon agreed right away. I had really enjoyed my chat with Andy. It was nice to talk to him like this, like adults. We'd never really done that before. He was so different from my other mom's boyfriends. I don't think any of them would have gone to hospital with her, and brought her back here and held her like Andy had done for Sharon.

I watched them make their way to their bedroom with Andy's arm around her waist, step by step, stopping when she needed a rest and finally picking her up to her giggling protests and carrying her the rest of the way.


	14. Nightmares

Andy pulled me into his arms and I fell asleep rather momentarily. When I woke up, I was disoriented, but then I recognised Andy's voice and his familiar scent. His calm voice grounded me and I snuggled back into his warmth and drifted off again. Hmm, Andy, I could feel the vibrations in his chest when he talked, but I couldn't really follow what he and Rusty were talking about. Andy was laughing and that felt good, safe. Home. His hands in my hair and his lips that kissed me every once in while. The voices of my family. Home. I liked this, being with them, even if I was just lying here, but knowing I wasn't alone.

The second time I woke up it was from the pain. My head hurt, my back hurt and I could feel the beginning of cramps in my abdomen. Maybe it really was time to just go to bed and sleep, hopefully in Andy's arms. My legs felt wobbly and unsteady and when Andy picked me up, I gladly wrapped my arms around his neck marvelling that he could carry me so easily.

"Let me go get your medicine, sweetheart – or do you need help getting changed first?"

"No, I think I can manage. You'll come back here?"

"Of course I will. Shall I get you something to eat, too? Something light?"

"Tea would be nice. Make sure Rusty has dinner, will you?"

I could see the amusement in his eyes and the irony didn't escape me.

"I'll make sure your perpetually hungry son will have a proper dinner – just like his mom. What can I get you, sweetheart?"

I sighed, "You know me well enough, choose something."

Once alone, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. Drawn, tired, old were the words that ran through my mind. Old, too old to become a mother and exhausted beyond words. Jack's attack had left few visible injuries, bruises where he had grabbed me by my arms, which would turn dark and ugly in the coming days. The bump on the back of my head was well concealed by my hair. The worst was the look in my eyes. The woman that looked back at me seemed defeated, all of yesterday's sparkle gone. Whatever I had said to Andy and Rusty, I wasn't sure how exactly I would move on from this. I just knew I had to, I wanted to – and that I wanted to do it with Andy.

My marriage to Jack had been over for a long time before the actual divorce, but despite all the bad times, the fights, the arguing, his disappearances, the many times he took my money, the drunken rambles and banging of fists against my door in the middle of the night – he had never once physically attacked me, nor, as far as I knew, anyone else. Never. Of all the things I had expected him to do, physical violence had been on the bottom of the list. No, it had not even been on the list. Jack had never been a violent drunk. Belligerent, noisy, argumentative – yes. Taking whatever was nearby and throwing it against the wall – occasionally. But he had always made sure he didn't injure me or the children. He had been different last night. Maybe it was the presence of a rival or the fact that I had finally cut off all ties to him which had pushed him over the edge. I didn't really want to know.

Sighing, I started taking my clothes off throwing them haphazardly into the direction of my hamper and slipped under the shower. The hot water helped ease the pain in my back, but it made me dizzy. I leaned my forehead against the cool tile and slowly sunk to my knees letting the water run over me.

Suddenly I heard Andy's voice and the door to the shower opened.

"Dammit – couldn't you wait for me? God, Sharon, how long have you been in here?"

I turned my head to look at him, but my neck hurt and the sudden movement made me even more dizzy. The water stopped and Andy squatted down beside me putting a towel over my shoulders.

"Shit, Sharon, you could have fallen or fainted or a million other things. I told you I would come back!"

Andy is such a passionate and intense man and I love that about him. I love how his passion has managed to ignite such a fire in me, too. The shower, the whole bathroom vibrated with his energy. It was a like a physical presence in the room, something I could grasp with my hands. Concern and worry, anger.

"Sorry," I mumbled and let my body fall against him when he put his arms around me. "Dizzy."

"You have a concussion, you've had surgery and you're taking strong painkillers. Of course you're dizzy. Dammit!"

"Stop swearing," I whispered.

The rational part of me knew that Andy was overreacting, that all this swearing was his way of dealing with his helplessness earlier in the day – but the rest of me felt cornered and under attack and his loud voice only made it worse. I couldn't deal with the intensity, not today, not right now. I wanted to move away from the noise, my head, it was just all too much. My heart was beating quickly and I wanted to scream and the noise to stop.

"I will stop swearing when you stop being so goddamn stubborn!"

"Stop shouting," I whispered with more urgency, "please, Andy, my head…"

"Oh Sweetheart," his voice went soft. "Of course you've got a headache. Come on, let's try and get you out of here."

The whole atmosphere in the bathroom changed. Andy was so gentle now, coaxing me to get up, but my legs just gave in.

"Oh dammit, couldn't you have waited for me?" he muttered under his breath but with none of the earlier energy.

Too exhausted to try again I just sighed and closed my eyes. Andy was here now, and he would take care of me.

I woke up when Andy climbed into bed beside me and I smiled gratefully. I had very little if any recollection of how I had gotten here from the shower, but I was here, and Andy was here and that was all that I needed for the moment.

Everything hurt. There wasn't a single part of me that didn't hurt. My head was throbbing, my back hurt from the fall and the bruises, the cramps in my abdomen alone were enough to bring tears to my eyes but the worst was my heart. My heart hurt and I couldn't think of a medicine to make that ache go away.

How could I have misjudged Jack so terribly? Andy was lying next to me whispering soothing words and gently massaging my scalp, no doubt blaming himself for Jack's attack. I would have called him out on his earlier lie, but I hurt too much. Instead, I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing his knuckles one by one. I have known him for so long, but he doesn't seem to realise just how well I know him. It was all my own doing anyway, and mine alone. If I hadn't misjudged Jack so badly, I could have let Andy deal with him and stayed in Rusty's room.

And our baby - I lost our baby. I felt a tear run down the side of my face and Andy's soft lips kissing it away. My baby. Our tiny little miracle.

"The painkillers will soon kick in and then you can sleep a little. I promise you, I'll be right here with you, the entire time."

If only painkillers would help against that ache in my heart, and the emptiness in my belly. I turned on my side and Andy curled himself around me. At some point, the throbbing in my head gave way to a dull more manageable pain and, like every night for the past months, Andy's hand found it's way to my stomach. I tried pushing it away – there was nothing there for him to cherish anymore, nothing to protect.

"I'd like to hold you."

I shook my head.

"I know you're hurting, sweetheart, but don't shut me out."

"I'm not shutting you out, Andy … I just … I feel so empty, without the baby, I feel empty, and so useless. Why would you want to hold me?"

"Because I love you, Sharon, and I want to hold you in my arms."

"I lost our baby."

"I know, sweetheart, and I know you're hurting."

Andy moved his hand back to my stomach and then the reality of our situation hit me and engulfed me in despair so deep, I thought I had forgotten how to breathe and when I finally did take a breath it came out as a sob.

"I want our baby back, Andy," I felt the tears running down my face and Andy pulling me closer to him, whispering soothing words and rocking me back and forth until I finally drifted off to a fitful sleep.

My dreams were disjointed.

I dreamt of the past weeks, of our joy at knowing we would become parents, Andy's shining eyes and the happy smile on his face when he looked at the ultrasound and the rapidly beating heart of our child, our very own miracle and how he then turned to me and … everything was in that one look. All his love, and excitement, and devotion. Nobody had ever looked at me like that, nobody, and now … Andy might never again look at me quite like it.

I dreamt of Rusty sitting on a couch with a transparent plastic cover, of Jack creeping up behind him with a knife.

Andy kissing my stomach almost reverently and talking to our baby, his breath tickling me.

Jack fighting with Andy and pushing him off a cliff, his scream reverberating in my ears.

Andy being so keen to look at maternity clothes and insisting I try them on telling me over and over just how beautiful I would look with a baby bump, sneaking into the changing room with me for a quick kiss that turned into a real make-out session until the shopping assistant threw us out.

Jack trying to rip my newborn baby from my arms and following me when I ran away. I ran and ran and I could hear his breathing, he was so close and then he caught me and pinned me down.

"Let go of me, Jack, let go!" I screamed and struggled to break free but he only held me more tightly. I tried to turn and fight him off, struggling with him, but he was just so much stronger.

"Let me go! Let me, Jack!"

"Sharon, sweetheart."

"No, let me go."

"It's me, sweetheart, wake up."

I could feel Jack's breath and the more I fought the more tightly he held me. I kicked him and heard him cry out in pain.

Then the lights came on.

I was still screaming and struggling to get out of Jack's grasp, my heart racing in panic.

"Sharon, wake up, it's me, Andy. Jack isn't here, you are dreaming. Sweetheart, it's me, Andy!"


	15. A Misunderstanding

"Sharon, wake up, it's me, Andy. Jack isn't here, you are dreaming. Sweetheart, it's me, Andy!"

Sharon was clearly still dreaming and I was trying all I could to wake her up: the light, calling her name, trying to hold her as close as possible so she wouldn't hurt herself. She fought tooth and nail, kicking me while trying to get out of my embrace. She wouldn't wake up and her panic got more intense by the minute.

"Sharon, wake up! Wake up! You are only dreaming, please wake up! Sweetheart, please!"

I almost couldn't hold her anymore, her panic giving her a strength I didn't know she possessed. When her elbow made contact my cheekbone, I thought for a moment I was going to loose consciousness. She slipped out of my arms and lunged herself over the side of the bed before I had a chance to grasp her again.

She hit the floor with a loud thud and then …

Nothing.

Quiet.

Sharon had stopped screaming, I noticed.

Silence.

Then I heard a sound.

A whimper.

A sob.

Her voice, small, filled with pain and fear, calling my name.

I knelt down beside her and gathered her into my arms and this time she came willingly, burying her face in the crook of my neck, her body shivering.

"Sweetheart, I'm here. It's okay, you had a bad dream, but you're here and you're safe."

More sobs and the wetness of her tears against my neck, Sharon curled into a tight little ball. How much more of this could she take?

I don't know how long we sat there with Sharon crying while I was trying to calm her down before it occurred to me to ask whether she had hurt herself. She must have hurt herself! Falling off the bed like that, in her condition, and I hadn't even thought to check.

"Sharon, my love, does anything hurt?"

"Everything hurts," she whispered dejectedly.

Of course it would, what a stupid question to ask. Oh dammit! "Any new pain from the fall?"

"My head."

Only then did she lift her face to look at me and I saw the swelling above her eyebrow. She hissed when I tried to touch it and turned her face away – then turned it rapidly back at me.

"God, Andy, what happened to you?"

"Me? You had a nightmare, sweetheart, and you fell out of bed."

"I know, but look at your face, Andy." It was her turn to gingerly reach out and mine to hiss as her fingers touched my skin. Damn, that really hurt. Sharon was completely present now, all her training kicking in. "Andy, this looks like you were hit. What happened?"

How could I tell her that it had been her elbow? She was distraught enough as it was.

"It's nothing, sweetheart, let me go and get you some ice," I tried, but Sharon didn't buy it.

"Andy, no! What happened to your face? Honey, this looks very recent – what happened?"

"It's nothing, really, just a little bruise."

"Don't lie to me. Andy, what happened? Did I, oh my God, I did this?" I could see the moment she realised what must have happened in the way her expression changed and the colour of her eyes deepened. A slight flushed crept up her cheeks and she hung her head meekly.

"It was me, Andy, wasn't it? I had a nightmare. I remember it now. I … I was struggling with Jack and I … it was me. I did this to you, Andy."

"You were asleep, Sharon, it was a accident."

"You need to get this seen to, Andy."

"No, I'll be fine. Believe me, it's not the first time I've been hit in the face," I tried injecting some humour into the situation, because I could see how hard she was taking it and I really didn't want her to worry about me on top of everything that had happened in the past 24 hours – and the swelling above her eyebrow seemed to grow by the minute. Maybe we should both go back to hospital.

What kind of mess had we gotten ourselves into? How had everything changed so quickly? Hadn't we been this blissfully happy couple, content with the world and ready to be parents? It seemed like a lifetime ago, yet hardly a day had passed since.

Sharon tried to get up, "Let me at least get you some ice."

Damn woman, she probably had a concussion, yet another one, from the fall and she needed to rest. There was no way I would let Sharon get up, she needed to be in bed!

"Sweetheart, let's get you back into bed first and then I'll go get some ice for both of us."

For a moment I thought she was going to protest, but then she nodded.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Andy."

"I forgive you." I'm not in the habit of speaking forgiveness like that, but it seemed to be what Sharon needed to hear. When we got up her legs were shaking and she clung to me with almost her full weight.

/

The apartment was dark, but then I noticed Rusty sitting in one of the chairs. He must have heard me, because he got up and walked towards me, his voice laced with worry and concern.

"What happened? I heard Sharon scream. Is she okay?"

"Sharon had a bad nightmare, but she's awake now. She hurt herself – can you show me were you keep the icepacks?"

I assumed they would be in the freezer, but I knew Rusty would want to do something rather than just be told to go back to bed. In hindsight, I should have told him to go back to his room, because when the light from the freezer illuminated the kitchen, he noticed the bruise on my face. His posture stiffened and he turned to me with an icy look on his face,

"I think you should leave now, Lieutenant, I will take care of my mother."

What was he telling me? Maybe he hadn't understood me earlier.

"Rusty? Sharon had a nightmare, but she is awake now."

"You don't understand, Lieutenant. I am telling you to leave."

"Rusty, I …"

"You have hit her – and she fought back! Sharon fought back and she got you! Don't you think I will ever let you…"

"Rusty, no, I didn't hit Sharon. God, I love her, I would never hit her!" What on earth had gotten into the boy?

"I heard her scream and I heard …. Oh my God, you fucking bastard, you hit her!" Rusty positioned himself between me and the hallway. "I am not letting you hit her again, you will have to go past me!" he spit out raising himself to his full height.

A part of me was proud at the way Rusty protected Sharon and another part appalled at the mere suggestion that I could have ever hit her, but I was still a bit fuzzy in my head.

"Rusty, I promise you I didn't hit Sharon."

"Yeah, and that shiner is cause you slipped in the bathroom! I am not letting you hurt her! You will have to kill me first!" Rusty shouted, his voice breaking. "I don't care what shit you are telling me, you will not hit her ever again! Never, you asshole!"

"Rusty? Andy? What is going on?"

Sharon! We both turned towards her and I froze in shock. She looked even paler than a few minutes ago, fragile, holding onto the wall for support. My instinct kicked in and I wanted to reach out to make sure she was be okay, but I hadn't factored in Rusty. The moment I started moving towards Sharon he lunged himself at me and almost tackled me to the floor.

"Rusty! What are you doing?" Sharon's Captain's voice rang through the condo. "Both of you, stop fighting right now and explain to me what is going on here!"

"He hit you! The asshole hit you! Oh my God, Sharon, go back to your room. I promise you I will take care of this. I won't let him hit you again!" the boy's voice was breaking and I could clearly hear the panic now. What a goddamn disaster, Rusty thinking I was hitting Sharon, Sharon about ready to faint in the hallway… I will never know from where Sharon took the strength to make a few quick steps and lay a hand on Rusty's shoulder. Maybe it was the strength of a mother knowing her child was in trouble.

All her focus was on the boy now: "Rusty, look at me. I don't know what you think happened, but Andy didn't hurt me."

Her calm voice worked on both of us and I could feel Rusty's hold on my tshirt relaxing slightly.

"Oh my God, Sharon, look at you! He hit you in the face!" he sounded even more panicked now

"Sssh, Rusty, no, Andy didn't hit me,"

Sharon placed a gentle hand on Rusty's cheek and began to stroke it. "Rusty, I had a nightmare and I fell out of bed and hurt my head. I promise you, Andy had nothing to do with my injury."

"But you said violence is never the right way," Rusty protested, more quiet now.

"It never is, Rusty, but Andy wasn't violent."

"So if you hit your head when you fell out of bed, did the Lieutenant fall out of bed, too?" Rusty bit back, his voice full of sarcasm.

"I threw a punch in my sleep. Rusty, I hurt Andy, not the other way around." I could almost physically feel the pain in Sharon's voice at that admission, but Rusty at least seemed to be calmer now, his eyes no longer darting back and forth.

"Seriously?"

"I promise you, Rusty, if Andy ever laid a hand on me, I would be gone. Honey, I'm sorry you had to see this…"

Sharon's voice trailed off and her eyelids started fluttering.

"Sharon? Dammit, what is happening? Sharon!"


	16. Love Should be Enough

Rusty and I both reached out to Sharon, but she didn't faint as I thought she had been about to do. She smiled at us, managing to look amused despite it all. Maybe it was an odd moment, but a wave of love and affection flooded me at the sight of her, so strong in the face of her pain, so tender with Rusty, so attuned to our needs rather than her own. I could see the concern in her face as she looked at me more closely and her attention shifted away from her son to me.

"Andy, you should really get something for your cheek. Rusty, can you get me the coolpacks from the freezer?"

She used the same tactic of keeping Rusty busy that I had tried earlier, but with somewhat more success. Rusty eyed her carefully, then his look went over to me and became suspicious.

"I promise you, Rusty, Andy did not hit me. I'm safe and I will stay right here on the couch while you get the coolpacks. You'll be able to see me the entire time," she gently coaxed him and with a last affectionate touch of his cheek, she sent him off – and it worked. The kid nodded and walked into the kitchen while continuing to look at us both.

"I need to sit down," she whispered the moment Rusty opened the freezer and couldn't hear her, "I think I'm about to faint."

I picked her up and carried her the few steps and Rusty turned at the commotion, but didn't say anything. Sharon didn't protest when I made her lie down on the couch and pulled her head into my lap, but she kept her eyes open and smiled softly. So beautiful and at the same time so broken. Rusty was right, she did look like a battered woman with the bruises on her arms, the swelling on her face and the drawn, exhausted look. My Sharon. Damn, and he had thought that I caused this? That I hit her? I would rather die than let anyone harm her.

I hadn't hit her, but maybe Rusty's instincts weren't so wrong after all. I _had _caused all of this. All her pain, or a least a large part of it. I was responsible. If I had protected her from Jack, none of this would have happened. Yes, we would have lost our baby, but she wouldn't lie here in my lap, beaten and exhausted, still reeling from her nightmare. To this day her screams continue to haunt me – and I didn't know then just how much worse it would all become before it would get better.

Rusty cleared his throat and I noticed him sitting on the couchtable, his gaze fixed on Sharon.

"I think you should put this on, Mom," he said and Sharon reached out to take the icepack from him, smiling gratefully but unable to suppress the hiss when she pressed it against her brow. The kid jumped at the sound, but didn't break eye contact with her. Too much, this was just too much. Too much pain. For Rusty, too. Sharon had been a pillar of strength in his life during the past years, unwavering, and now he had seen her attacked in her own home – and still reeling from the consequences. Poor kid. No wonder he had jumped to the wrong conclusion and with my history as an alcoholic, and his own experiences growing up. Not that I had ever hit my ex-wife, not even at my worst, but Rusty didn't know that. Damn, I should have warned him right away rather then let him draw his own conclusions…

"Andy, honey?" her small voice interrupted my thoughts, "Rusty's brought two coolpacks and your face…"

She didn't need to say anymore and then we just sat there, well, she was lying down, but we were there, this small family held together by nothing but a bond of love. Seconds ticked by and turned into minutes, time lost all importance and when Sharon drifted off to sleep and lost her hold on the icepack, Rusty reached over and held it in place for her watching me carefully.

Sharon woke up screaming again only a couple of hours later, bathed in sweat from another nightmare and shaking like a leaf in the wind. By then, the sun had been about to rise so Rusty had driven us both to the emergency room to have our 'heads checked out' as he put it. At least he was acting his normal self with me again after our joint silent vigil over Sharon. Except for some heavy bruises I was fine, but the fall hadn't exactly helped with Sharon's concussion and the doctor put her on a week of rest at home. Then I brought up the nightmares.

"It's okay, Andy, they will pass. It's only been a day anyway."

"Sweetheart, the doctor might be able to prescribe you something to help you sleep."

"I don't need anything to help me sleep. I'll be fine, Andy, I'll get some rest and I'll be fine."

The problem was that she didn't look fine. It seemed like she was even more exhausted than last night and it broke my heart to see her so … so broken. Oh damn, why hadn't I trusted my instincts and beat the crap out of that bastard when he first walked through the door? I could have so easily beaten him, hell, even shot him. Sharon would have been angry and I would have had to deal with IA, but that would have been a small price to pay compared to this, compared to seeing her in pain and being unable to help.

The doctor offered to prescribe some pills that would help Sharon sleep better.

"Are those safe to take when trying to conceive?"

My sweet, sweet Sharon. We hadn't even talked about trying again, and still she was thinking about the welfare of our potential child rather than herself. And she still wanted to keep trying. That alone was like a ray of light – at least at the time.

"Well, they are not recommended, but I understood you have just miscarried," the doctor stopped to look at her chart.

"No, I will not take anything that can potentially interfere with a pregnancy."

The doctor offered his opinion, but I knew there was no arguing with my Sharon when she used that tone and so we just went home.

/

Days passed but her nightmares didn't stop. If anything, they got worse. Sharon never slept for more than a few hours at a time and she always woke up sweaty and shaking, more often than not screaming and struggling against my embrace. Every kick, every move, every scream a sharp reminder of my failures. I could have prevented this! I could have so easily prevented this!

At least I made sure there were no more accidents and I always put a thick blanket on the floor next to her side of the bed. Sharon watched me do it the first time and silently wrapped her arms around me. She understood.

Still, no matter how hard I tried and whatever I did, it always took far too long to wake her up from her nightmares, each passing second a painful reminder of my failure. My failure to protect the woman I loved more than anything. I held her as she calmed down and after she fell asleep again I stayed awake for hours watching her and berating myself, going through every moment of that faithful interaction with Jack, analysing every move and every word. The result was always the same: I had failed Sharon. I had had so many chances to protect her, so many chances to throw Jack out of the apartment or stop the attack. Whichever way I looked at them: the facts remained the same. I had stood by and watched. Powerless. Like a goddamn rookie. I had failed her, not only as the man who loved her, but as her Lieutenant, too. I didn't know which was worse.

We tried not to sleep in the tight embrace we usually did so Sharon wouldn't feel caught and constrained upon waking up, but it made no difference to her dreams. After that she insisted on falling asleep in my arms,

"Andy, I'll wake up no matter what, but at least I feel safe now, and I'm with you, and that's all that matters."

It felt good to hear that, of course it did, but it didn't get to the core. I was beginning to think that the nightmares wouldn't stop on their own and that we should get help.

"I'll always be here for you, sweetheart, but maybe you should consider taking the medicine the ER doctor offered you."

"No. I will not do anything to endanger our chances of having a healthy child."

"Your health is more important to me, Sharon, and maybe there are other options."

"No." Finite. She offered no more explanations and refused to talk about the matter.

I learned to tell the change in her features and the exact moment she woke up from her dream and realised Jack wasn't hunting her down trying to take away her baby, but that she was home with me. I lost count of the times I held her in my arms while she silently cried into my shirt.

Slowly things started to change. One night I woke up from the loss of contact and sure enough, Sharon was no longer next to me. Instead she was sitting on the edge of the bed, her posture and the way her shoulders shook telling me she was crying. Calling her name, I didn't get any response and when I softly touched her arm, she turned to look at me, her face devoid of any emotion and wet with silent tears. She was awake, but she wasn't there, not with me and it cut me like a shard of glass.

After I went back to work she remained on medical leave for another week and with each passing day I could feel the distance grow. I had kissed her in the morning, but at night she barely responded to my touch. I would wrap my arms around her and she would lean into me and yet not, her body there but the rest of her, the essence of her … This was Sharon, the woman I loved so much it hurt and while it used to hurt occasionally it now felt like it hurt all the time.

I couldn't recall a time in recent history when I had been so scared for another person. Something was happening before my eyes, but I was powerless to stop whatever was hurting her so much. Love should be enough. It should be! We loved each other so deeply, and knew each other so well, but something had changed and I felt powerless and utterly useless.


	17. Shifting Ground

I was scared. Like really scared. Not scared like the day I had come back to an empty apartment after my other mother had left me at the zoo. Then, I had been a child. No, this was different. A different kind of fear.

I had no idea what exactly was going on, but it felt like everything was changing. The ground under my feet was shifting. I'm Californian, so I've experienced my share of earthquakes, both actual ones and the figurative ones that changed my life - but this time it was my life with Sharon and I had thought that with Sharon … I had thought that with her, these big shifts wouldn't happen again. That I could count on her. And it wasn't like I couldn't count on her anymore. And I wasn't blaming her for what was happening, I really wasn't - but something was very wrong and it scared the hell out of me.

It was like the mood had totally changed, as if Sharon and Andy had never been 'Sharon & Andy'. Yeah, I had rolled my eyes at all the supposedly secret yet all too obvious PDAs, the little smiles and kisses. Now it was like all that had never even happened. Like they had never loved each other, never wanted to have a baby together. To be honest, I had started to really like living with 'Sharon & Andy' or, as Nicole called them 'Shandy'.

'Shandy', she really called them that. Weird, right?

"No, Rusty, not weird at all. It's like Brangelina! Come on, admit I'm a genius!"

"Brange-what?"

"Are you seriously going to tell me you don't know Brangelina? Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?"

"They're … actors?" I guessed and tried to remember whether I hadn't heard one of the girls on Badge of Justice talk about them and some movie.

"You live in Los Angeles! You work on the set of a TV show. Geez, Rusty, you should play less chess and get out every once in a while."

Nicole did explain the whole thing to me with the two names becoming one and I nodded, but to be honest, I still thought it was pretty ridiculous for two normal old people to give them a special name. I mean, really? Anyway, Nicole had said it like all the time and then I had started, too. Sometimes I had looked at 'Shandy' and wondered how they would feel if they knew. Andy would have probably just laughed and gazed at Sharon happily. Sharon, I wasn't so sure. She would have called it nonsense and rolled her eyes. Well, at least that's what they would have done 'before Jack'. Now – who could know? Would they be sad at the memory?

Before and after Jack. That's was how I was looking at life now. It used to be 'before I became a witness' and 'after I became a witness'. I wish I'd been able to continue in the state 'after witness' and 'before Jack' indefinitely.

/

Within a few weeks, our life had changed and I had no idea why. Well, I mean, I did know it all happened after Jack had come by and Sharon had lost the baby, but what I didn't know was _why_ everything seemed to be going to hell. Suddenly, I didn't know anymore what would happen the next day. Sharon had told me that she would always know me and that I would always have a home with her, she'd made me her son to show me. I still had a home, well, a place to live, but she wasn't here anymore, not with the Sharon part of her.

She and Andy both stayed home for a couple of days, cuddling on the couch and watching movies with me. Sharon slept quite a lot and Andy literally never left her out of his sight for even a minute. Honestly, there wasn't a single moment when he didn't know exactly where she was and when she went to another room and wasn't back after a few minutes, he would go looking for her. Like once she had excused herself to go to the bathroom and had fallen asleep on the bed and he had nearly freaked out when she took too long.

When I had started to worry because now _he_ wasn't coming back, I found him sitting on the bed. He raised a finger to his lip when he noticed me.

"Is Sharon okay?" I whispered because I had to know.

"She's finally sleeping. I'll stay with her just in case she has another dream."

These nightmares were awful. I woke up at night from Sharon's screaming and Andy's desperate voice trying to wake her up. They both looked more and more exhausted and I think Sharon was scared to fall asleep. I overheard them talk one night when I had gone in search of a glass of water.

"Andy, you look tired, why don't you go ahead and sleep? I'll be right behind you."

"Come with me now, sweetheart, you're exhausted."

"I'll just finish the movie."

"Tape it and watch it tomorrow. Come on, let's go."

Sharon shook her head and pulled the blanket over herself. "Later."

"Sweetheart, you've been awake since four am."

"As have you."

"And I am not the one looking for a reason to stay up well beyond midnight. What is is, sweetheart? Are you afraid of another bad dream?"

"No, just not tired."

"Good, then come to bed and keep me company, read me a bedtime story."

Sharon laughed, like really laughed and I realised how long I hadn't heard that sound and how much I had missed it. Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

"Fine, you win. I'll read my big boy a bedtime story."

/

The team caught a really big case pretty soon after Sharon had gone back to work and they were both working non-stop. In the beginning, Andy would drop Sharon home at some point at night insisting she would rest and she was so tired, she almost fell asleep on her feet. He went back to work and picked her up again in the morning. Those nights were scary. At least when Andy was around I knew he would take care of her, but now I was in charge and I didn't know what to do.

"Sharon, what do I do if you have a bad dream? Shall I come to your room and wake you?"

"Don't worry about me, Rusty, I'll be fine. I hope I won't wake you up, maybe pick up a pair of earplugs at the store."

"No, I want to help you, not not hear you! Somebody should wake you up if Andy isn't here to do it."

"You don't need to wake me up, Rusty, I'll be fine. I promise you, I'll be fine."

"But Sharon…"

"Rusty, this discussion is over."

Her voice was cold and harsh. I had never heard her talk to me like that, not even in the beginning. She never just cut off a conversation like this.

Of course she had another nightmare and of course I woke up and of course I tried to help her. I even went as far as trying to go into her room without being asked except that I couldn't. She had locked the door and just told me to go back to bed.

Then Sharon came home alone at night.

"Where is Andy?"

"Stakeout with Detective Sanchez. How did your sociology class go?"

She remembered. She might look like hell, and she might not sleep through the night, but she remembered the class we had talked about over breakfast.

"It was actually okay. The professor liked my essay and I went to the beach with Nicole and the boys in the afternoon."

"Oh, how lovely! Did you have fun?"

"It was like … the beach, yeah, but the boys liked it. They asked about you. Nicole has invited us for a barbeque once your case is over."

"How very kind of her. Will you be okay getting dinner by yourself? I'm going to my room."

"No dinner for you?"

"The guys ordered pizza just before I left."

She didn't say whether she actually ate any of the pizza and by the looks of her, I would have said she hadn't. She never ate anymore. Coffee or tea, that was all she'd been having for breakfast these past few days.

"Good night, Rusty, don't forget to lock up."

"I won't. Good night."

Impulsively, I pulled her into a hug.

"I love you, Rusty and I promise you, I'll be fine. I just need some sleep," and then she had added something so quietly that I had almost missed it. "and some time to grieve for my baby."

When they had finally had caught their serial killer, she had called me to come and pick her up from the station. I figured they were both too tired to drive, but when I got to the murderroom the place had been deserted expect for a very very grumpy Lieutenant muttering to himself and pointing at Sharon's office. I looked around for Andy.

What on earth had happened? Why was the Lieutenant waiting with her and not Andy?

"The idiot's gone, Rusty. Take the Captain home, make sure she eats and sleeps and don't let her come back in before Monday."

Sharon had actually been asleep with her head on her desk and I almost hadn't managed to wake her up. She was dizzy and disoriented and when we finally made our way through the murderroom, the Lieutenant had been gone. It was like he had stayed back to make sure Sharon would be okay. Why him and not Andy though? Andy who hadn't even let her sleep without sitting next to her just a few weeks ago.

I had thought that after the case was over things would calm down. They sort of had. At least Andy had started coming over again, but he never stayed long and after his first visit, he didn't even go to her bedroom anymore. They just sat on the couch looking at each other without saying a single word. That wouldn't have been so bad, but they didn't touch either. None of the holding hands and not-so-secret smiles kisses, the hugs and kisses when they thought I wasn't looking. Nothing. I watched them: Andy putting a hand on her arm only for Sharon to pull it away. Andy leaving, shoulders slumped, turning back to look at her sitting on the couch staring at her hands.

"Sharon."

But she didn't look up and he walked back to kiss the top of her head. No reaction from her.

"Sharon, sweetheart, I love you."

She didn't say anything, she didn't move.

Andy turned to me, "I'm leaving now, but call me. Anytime, Rusty, night or day, call me if she needs me."

I heard Sharon cry that night, but I didn't dare go into her room and I wouldn't have been able to anyway – she always locked her door now.

After that, Andy stopped coming over completely. It felt like my entire world was falling apart and with every passing day Sharon was becoming less Sharon and more like a small, ghostlike creature floating through the apartment without really being there. I had to do _something_, anything to make her feel better

One evening after work Sharon was sitting on the couch again starting down at her tightly clasped hands. I felt really awkward, but there weren't many people who knew about the baby she lost and now that Andy no longer came by, I was the only one. _I _was living with her and _I_ could see her disappearing a little more each day. Sharon cuddled one of her pillows and sighed dejectedly.

"Rusty, what is it?" She didn't sound snippy, just terribly sad and completely exhausted.

"How are you, Sharon? I mean, like really, how are you?" I asked and she turned to look at me. Well, that wasn't too bad of a start.

„I'm fine, Rusty, thank you for asking."

"Why doesn't Andy come over anymore?"

"My relationship with Andy is really not something you should pry into."

"I'm not prying, Sharon. I'm just worried about you. You look so sad."

"I am sad, Rusty, and I will continue to be sad be while I grieve my child." Sharon's voice was cold and harsh now, but I had gotten this far, I wasn't about to give up.

"Andy's child, too."

"Rusty, please." Her voice broke and she turned her face away from me. I had caught a glimpse of something in her eyes. I got up and sat down in the other armchair so she was facing me again. She looked drawn and about ready to cry before she turned away.

"Sha..."

She cut me off like she never had, not even in our first days, her voice like icy steel. "This is enough, Rusty. The interrogation is over!"

"But I'm worried about you, Sharon. You seem so unhappy."

"Rusty, this conversation is over," she said with finality and tried to get up, but somehow her legs didn't work and she fell back onto the couch. The look she gave me was so hopeless, it almost made me cry.

I took a deep breath and all my courage and then I sat down next to her and hugged her. Shit, she felt so different, just bones, none of the softness. I … what would I do if she sent me away? What is she suddenly didn't want me anymore? But she had said I would always have a home with her, she had said she was my mom now. For good. Forever. Yes, she had said she was my mother and I was her son.

"Mom, please let me help you," I pleaded and that somehow got through to her. She rested her head on my shoulder and hugged me back, a little at least. "Mom, please, I want you to be well."

Sharon sat up and looked at me, putting both of her hands on my shoulders: "I'm sorry you have to see my like this, Rusty. I know this is not easy for you and I promise you I'll be okay in a few days. I just need a little bit of time to grieve."

Those were words Sharon might say, but her voice lacked warmth, this wasn't the real Sharon, this was someone else. Like the real Sharon had gone and just left … this fake Sharon here. Like a zombie. Uh, she'd not like me comparing her to a zombie.

I decided to stick with Mom, because at least she had responded to that. "Mom, why isn't Andy here with you? What happened, did you two break up?"

"Honey, Andy has lost a child just like I have and we both need time and space to grieve."

"Yeah, but why don't you do that together? I mean, it was your baby, both of you."

"Grief is a difficult process and everybody goes through it differently," she said with warmth and for a moment she sounded just like Sharon, but then the tone of her voice changed again signifying the conversation was over.

"I'm going to bed now, would you lock up the condo for the night?"

No, not now, not when she had finally started talking to me. "Mom, I'm so sorry about your baby," I said quietly and held her a little more tightly.

"Thank you, Rusty," she whispered and let go off me, her arms dropping limply to her side, "I know it might not look like it now, but I am so grateful I have you." Her words were accompanied by a really sad smile, but a smile at least. Maybe we could talk a little more, just a little bit.

"Let's have dinner before you go to bed, Mom. Your choice, whatever you want. I promise I won't complain, even if it's green!"

"Thank you, that's very kind of you to offer, but I am really not hungry. Good night, Rusty, don't forget to lock up."

"I won't. Good night, Mom."

I steadied her as she got up and then watched her walk into her room. She almost tripped once and braced her arm against the wall to steady herself. She looked like an old woman and that's when it hit me. What if she was really sick? What if something were to happen to her? What would happen if … my throat became really tight and I couldn't breathe. What is she … no, no, not Sharon, not my Mom!

The door closed and I heard the click of the lock. When I went to the bathroom a few minutes later I could hear her muffled cries.

What was I supposed to do?


	18. Is It Really You?

Author's Note: Thank you all for sticking with this story and for your reviews and messages. I realise that the story has taken a very dark turn, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

To the Guest: Please don't worry about English not being your native language, it isn't for a lot of us here. I understand perfectly well what you mean.

* * *

><p>I had no idea what was going on with Dad and Sharon – and Rusty didn't either. It was crazy, they had been so happy and so close. They had even looked like a happy couple long before they actually were one. And now it had fallen to pieces in a matter of weeks. It was pretty clear it had something to do with the miscarriage and maybe also the return of Sharon's husband.<p>

Rusty and I talked – a lot. I felt so sorry for him, because his entire world was falling apart. I can't imagine what it would be like if my mother fell sick and much less if she had fallen sick while I had still been Rusty's age. He loved her and he tried so hard to get through to her, but try as he might, it never seemed enough to get her out of whatever funk she was in. Well, not funk, loosing the baby and then the return of her ex-husband, that's got to have been a shock for both Dad and Sharon. I just didn't understand why they weren't dealing with it together.

Neal and I have been talking about trying to have a baby and if I imagine something going wrong who would I turn to if not him? He was the most obvious choice and I didn't see how that should be different for Dad and Sharon.

Rusty wasn't able to get through to Sharon and I had my share of conversations with Dad. Whenever I asked him he said she wasn't doing too well and that she needed time to grieve. It made perfect sense, they both needed time to grieve, but together, as a couple, not alone! Something had to be wrong.

"But why grieve alone? What happened with the two of you, Dad?"

"Nothing, Sharon has told me she needs time and space to grieve and I am giving her that space," Dad said calmly looking anything but.

"But shouldn't you be grieving the loss of your child together?"

"Nicole, sweetheart, there is nothing I can do. Sharon has asked me to leave and in no uncertain terms. She doesn't even talk to me when I go and visit her. She is making it very clear she doesn't want me there."

"But why?"

Dad sighed dejectedly and hung his head. "I would give anything to know why. Anything. Nicole, believe me, I have tried, I have tried so hard, but she won't even let me hold her hand anymore."

"Did you two have a fight?"

"No, we didn't," he sighed again.

He looked awful, tired, unshaved with bloodshot eyes, his shirt unironed. I had never known my Dad not take care of his appearance – even back when he was drinking heavily. Not that I had seen much of him then, but my Mum had always said she wished he was as put together on the inside as he was on the outside.

At least he wasn't drinking again. He valued his sobriety, and maybe more highly than he had before if that was even possible. I think it was difficult for him to stay sober right now. He was going to AA meetings in the morning and again at night and sometimes, when it got really bad, over lunchtime, too. He never talked much about it, just said the meetings helped him get his priorities right. His addition was still a bit of a difficult subject between us and I was still getting to know him. I had noticed at the hospital how little I really knew about him. The past weeks, difficult as they have been for him and Sharon, have brought us closer together. I've also grown much closer to Rusty. We all share in our worry about Sharon and it seems we are all equally powerless to help her.

"But you love each other, Dad. You loved each other even before you ever started dating."

"We did."

"No, you _do_, you _do _love each other," I insisted.

"I don't know, Nic. I love Sharon and I'll never stop, but maybe she is right. Maybe she doesn't need a man like me."

"What do you mean, she doesn't need a man like you? Sharon loves you and you are the father of the baby she just lost – or aren't you?" Damn, my stupid mouth!

But Dad didn't even pick up on what could have only to easily been understood as an insult. "Of course I'm the baby's father," he said emphatically, but then he corrected himself and his voice almost broke my heart. "I mean, I was the little one's father."

"I'm sorry, Dad, I shouldn't have said that. But why are you saying Sharon doesn't need a man like you? She chose you as her partner and as the man to have a family with."

"She did, but that was before I failed her. Nic, I stood by when that bastard of an ex-husband waltzed in and attacked her. I'm a police officer and I stood by. What would she want with a man like me who can't even protect her when she needs him most?"

Poor Dad. We have had this conversation so many times before, but he always ended up blaming himself.

"Dad, are you sure Sharon thinks like that? That doesn't sound like her at all, that sounds like you on a guilt-trip."

"I don't know what she is thinking anymore. She made me promise not to blame myself – when we were still in the hospital. She said she didn't blame me – but she is pushing me away now and maybe she is right to do that. She'll be better off without me."

It broke my heart to hear him say that, to see what the guilt did to him. He still loved Sharon, that much was clear, but why was she pushing him away? Was she even pushing or had he misunderstood something? I didn't think so, because she had changed and Rusty had said she wouldn't even let Dad hold her anymore. Still, surely this couldn't be the end?

"Go back and fight for her, Dad. Don't give up."

"She won't let me fight, sweetheart. After all these years, I don't think I've never understood her as little as I do right now – but one thing is clear: she doesn't want me there."

Did she really? Or had Dad just misunderstand her, misread her signs? Or was Sharon sick and was the grief making her do things she didn't really mean? Oh what a goddamn mess this whole thing was. I felt awful for Dad, but I felt even more sorry for Rusty. He had been trying to put on a brave face but it was becoming more difficult for him. His whole life hung in the balance. And then poor Sharon, all alone with her nightmares, what a mess.

/

A few days later we had confirmation that Sharon was indeed sick. She had gone for a routine check-up with her OB/GYN a few weeks after the miscarriage and the doctor, I think her name is Naomi, had put her on medical leave for two weeks. I know because Dad had come to my place that same evening. He had looked even more drawn than usual these days.

"Dad, what happened? Is something wrong with Sharon?"

I knew he had driven her to the appointment. The date had been set before they had stopped talking to each other and I was proud that Dad had remembered and had insisted on accompanying Sharon. Except that he hadn't really accompanied her. She had gone in alone while he had said outside in his car waiting for her.

"But why didn't you go with her?"

"Because she didn't want me to. When we got there she just thanked me and said there was no need to wait, she'd catch a cab back. I … I waited and when she didn't come back out, I sat in the waiting room. That's how I even know what's going on because Naomi recognised me and told me to take her home. She's put Sharon on medical leave for two weeks."

"Do you know for what?"

"No, I think Naomi didn't know we'd, well, we, she didn't know. She said I should take good care of Sharon, made sure she ate enough and got enough rest. Sharon was so tired, she didn't even protest when I took her home."

Exhaustion, no wonder with their jobs and the cases that required them to work around the clock sometimes and the nightmares on top of that.

"Did you ask Sharon what's wrong?"

"She slept her way through the ride home and when I got there … she thanked me and left."

"And how is she now? Have you spoken to her?"

"No, Rusty texted to let me know she had gone straight to bed. The poor kid, this whole situation is hardest on him."

After that I tried to pop by the station as often as I could to see if I could find out anything else. I didn't dare trespass on Sharon's privacy and go to her apartment. Rusty and I met occasionally, but we mostly talked on the phone because he was becoming increasingly reluctant to leave Sharon on her own – even if all she did was lock herself in her room and sleep.

I even talked to Dad's friend Louie who keeps insisting I call him Lieutenant. I thought that was just plain ridiculous. If I could call my dad's boss and non-girlfriend at the time Sharon, surely I could address his close friend of many years by his first name. After all, _he_ happily called me Nicole.

"You know them both much better than I do, Louie. What's happened?"

"I told him to leave her alone, I told him it would be nothing but trouble to date the boss."

"Well, I think we can safely say he ignored that advice. I don't think whatever is going on between them right now has anything to do with their rank or their work relationship."

"No, but everything with their romantic relationship."

"Louie, my Dad is … I mean, look at him. He is beside himself – and when did you last see Sharon? I mean, you're her second in command, have you even spoken to her recently?"

"Not since the doctor put her on medical leave, no."

"Would you try? Please, Rusty is worried sick and … I mean, I know you and Sharon haven't always gotten along, but Dad is your best friend and Rusty is as good as a nephew. Don't do it for me, or for Sharon, do it for them. For your best friend."

"What would I do?"

"Ask her about a case, ask her for advice. Anything to get her to talk to you and to start showing an interest in life again. Please, would you at least try?"

"When?"

"Now's as good a time as any."

So we both went to Sharon's office and he put her phone on speaker and dialled. I held my breath as the phone kept ringing again and again and again. He got her voicemail.

"Captain, this is Lieutenant Provenza. I am calling about our current case, it's what you would call 'highly politicised'. The team thinks there might be a link to one of your old IA cases. Can you please call me back so we can discuss this? Oh, and Captain, I hope your recovery is going well."

He hung up and took a deep breath.

"Louie! I had no idea you were so creative!"

"That wasn't creativity, we've been stuck with this damn case and – don't ever tell anyone I said this – but I know we'd be further along if the Captain was here."

"Try again, try Rusty. He always picks up on the second ring these days."

Rusty did pick up very quickly and said that Sharon was in her room.

"Go and knock on the door. I need to talk to the Captain and it's urgent."

"Yeah, good luck with that, Lieutenant!" I could hear footsteps, then a knock.

"Mom? Lieutenant Provenza's on the phone, he says it's urgent."

Nothing.

Another knock. "Mom? Did you hear me? The Lieutenant is calling about a case. Maybe you can call him back later?"

More knocks and Rusty's voice becoming increasingly frantic. "Sharon? Mom? Can you please say something? Please, talk to me, tell me to go away, anything. Mom, please! Mom!"

"Rusty? When did you last speak to the Captain?"

"Last night when she went to bed. I didn't see her this morning because I had an early start."

"Did she say anything unusual? Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Her whole damn life is out of the ordinary! My whole damn life is out of the ordinary! She's not herself. It's just her body, but Sharon is gone."

"Okay, Rusty, go knock on her door again and ask her to respond – and stay on the phone with me.

More knocking, more pleading from Rusty, but nothing from Sharon.

"Go ahead and open the door, Rusty."

"I can't, it's locked."

"You said you haven't spoken to the Captain since last night?"

"Yeah."

"Any signs around the apartment that she left her room today?" Louie was seamlessly turning this into an investigation and at the same time, he was keeping Rusty calm. I have to say I rather admired his skill.

The sound of footsteps, then Rusty again, panicking now. "Nothing. She hasn't even been out to make tea. Everything is exactly the way I left it."

"Rusty, Nicole and I will come over now. I have tools to open the locked door. You stay put, okay?"

"But Sharon, what if she's…?"

"Stay put. We're coming over right away, we won't be long. Wait for us and call if you need us, understood?"

"Understood, Lieutenant."

As we were about to leave, my Dad came into the murderroom, surprised to find me there. Before he could even say much, Louie filled him in on our mission and poor Dad almost lost it.

"What are you planning to do?"

"Open the damn door so her family can check on her. Flynn, we are leaving now. You can either come with us or stay here. Come on, Nicole."

Of course, Dad came along. The mood between the two men was strange. I didn't dare say anything. Did Louie even know about the baby they had lost? Did he approve of Dad dating (well, it was a heck of a lot more than that) their boss? Dad looked awful, so terribly worried.

Rusty was relieved to see us, but his reaction when he spotted Dad was odd. Like he shied away for a moment and then raised himself to his full height.

"You … you can't go in."

What on earth had happened between Dad and Rusty?"

"I will open the door and you and Nicole can go in," Louie said. "Now, knock again and tell the Captain you're about to break open the door in case she wants to open it herself."

Rusty kept glancing warily at Dad while knocking. When there was no answer, Louie picked the lock. It took only seconds before the door swung open. The blinds were drawn and the room was dark. It smelled stale like it hadn't been aired in too long. Oh my God … what if we were too late? I put an arm around Rusty, wanting to go in with him but he stood rooted to the spot, shivering.

It was Dad who switched on the light, Dad who went into the room, Dad who knelt down next to Sharon's sleeping form.

"Sharon, sweetheart, can you hear me?"

Sharon didn't move.

Dad tried again, a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her. "Sharon, sweetheart, can you hear me?"

No response.

Dad put a hand on her forehead. "Damn it, she's burning up. Call an ambulance! Sweetheart, open your eyes. Please open your eyes!"

Time slowed, Rusty shivered, Louie talked on the phone, Dad called Sharon's name. I remember thinking it was good that somebody was calling for help. Because I couldn't have. My eyes were fixed on the scene in front of me and my arm was firmly around Rusty.

It seemed liked forever before Sharon finally stirred and groaned.

"Sharon, it's me, Andy. Sweetheart, you're sick and we're taking you to the hospital."

"Andy?" she croaked and stretched out a shaking arm to Dad. The gesture alone had me moved to tears.

"Andy, is it really you? Did you really come back?"

The moment Sharon's hand cupped Dad's face, his eyes lit up. She was sick, quite possibly very sick, but the moment she recognised him he looked happier than I had seen him in weeks.

When he leaned in to kiss her, I turned away and pulled Rusty with me.


End file.
